


Biotic Imperfections

by Aradellia (CurtusPatronus)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Blood, Eventual Relationships, Friendship, Hallucinations, Head Injury, Multi, character death because this starts ME2, kasumi being a sneaky thief, miranda being nice, turians being turians
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-07-19 03:46:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7343488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurtusPatronus/pseuds/Aradellia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katherine 'Kat' Shepard has watched her universe burn one too many times. Her family and colony on Mindoir, her first squad on Akuze, her innocence at the hands of so many, her ship, much of her crew, and now herself. Coming back to a galaxy still burning, unable to tell herself apart from a monster with godly powers, shall test her abilities to stay truly human, or let what the Illusive Man has done to her consume her whole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rude Awakenings

**Author's Note:**

> A retelling of ME2-ME3 of my own Shepard. I will stray from the in-game options to allow for more development and such, to explore new scenarios, so expect that. Also, the rating will probably go up later on as I plan to make things much more... brutal.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit 9/23: Went through the chapter to fix some issues, add in a few details, and just clean up a little. Not too much was changed.

Katherine Shepard was unlike most humans, and it showed through childhood. A wild child with an act for battle and sparring, she spent her youth hunting for her colony Mindoir and aiding in building and protecting everyone with her very oddly powerful biotics. It was a mess when she first discovered them, blowing up a power station as a result of her first discharge and putting the colony down for three weeks. She was strong, trained by her parents who believed in survival and strength regardless of biological factors. Many would say later that she had both the capacity to raise and train baby varren, while also having the ability to wrestle and fight them at a young age. She had seemingly built in abilities for survival and adaption, for battle and stress.

So when her life came crushing down around her as Batarians at the age of sixteen, she did just that: survived. Using an aging pistol her father had hid in their farm, she fought off raiders who sought to raid her farm after killing her parents and her brother closer to town. One after another they fell, giving her ammo, weapons, and just a little hope as she kept living and fighting for what she loved. She was lucky that the patrol noticed her once they had left her world burning around her, scarred for life. She didn't say a word to the shocked soldiers as a bloodied, wounded sixteen year old came forward with her father's tags in one hand, and a pistol in the other, her burning colony behind her as she left behind everything. She knew her biotics made her look like a monster, but she was simply a human. A human with unhealable scars.

Joining the military an orphan, unable to cling to her past life, she rose from the ashes of her colony to become a weapon. Biotics, sniper rifles, assault rifles; her greatest assets outside her ability to survive and adapt. The Alliance kept her moving, kept training her, mission after mission. She developed her own biotic attacks, learning from the asari she would meet along the way, showing even the eldest one that her caliber of biotic power and control rivaled even the asari. Aliens here and there crossed her path, and yet even though many around her help an oddly placed xenophobia for them, she felt comfortable around them. She felt safe with them, knowing she wasn't alone in being an odd one. The only exception, perhaps, was batarians. She could only flinch and try to get away when one came close. She remembered the cages and fires all too well, unable to shake the fear and imprint of the raiders taking her little remaining innocence from her that night.

Akuze was meant to be simple, but of course, nothing was for her. The cries of her name were drowned out by the howls and snarls of the Thresher Maws devouring her camp, her men, and her short sanity. She felt the trap surround her, and she watched through tears as everyone perished. She wasn't a religious human, but she simply prayed that she would survive. Once the next shuttle came, she once again walked to an awaiting extraction team with what few tags she could recover in her hand, and a gun in the other, covered in wounds, and blood. Most of it not her own. Many whispered of her survival and her levelheadedness, but of course behind the mask was the cracking face of a survivor with more scars then just on her skin.

Keep the pain down, keep your head up, and cry once everything is done, her mother told her. Her father may have kept his tags, but she knew her mother had given hers up. A smile curled her lips now, wondering if she would ever hear the full story of her mom's 'insubordination' by saving Turian lives during the First Contact War.

But as she stared out into the spinning darkness of space, grasping her suit's busted seal as she leaked air into the abyss of space, she knew she wouldn't. After so many years, she lost the chance. But yet, despite wanting to say goodbye to her family, her mind drifted to her crew. Her amazing crew who got her through Saren, through the descent of Sovereign.

_Liara T'Soni._

A quirky Prothean expert. A talented biotic Asari with a troubled family, but even that never stopped her. She was kind, and warm. She couldn't count the amount of times she spent just translating texts, and bonding over a drink. So relaxed and calm, so warm and welcoming. A sister to her.

_Urdnot Wrex._

The hulking brute of a Krogan. Her bondbrother, a man with a quad twice the size of his small brain, but he was a fighter, a survivor, and a good man. She had hoped to see him rule Tuchanka as he spoke about. She laughed in her mind at the times he could get so hammered and stand up again to train and fight.

_Ashley Williams._

She never truly got together well with the Gunnery Chief. Her distrust of aliens, and perhaps mild xenophobia, put them at odds many a times, and she was a somewhat arrogant woman. Inside the shell of the soldier lay an untouched garden of care and friendship, however. She was a soldier, though, and a damned good one, and while she could never forgive herself for leaving her on Virmire, she knew her memories wouldn't fade.

_Kaiden Alenko._

She couldn't lie, she had some issues with him. He was an amazing biotic, but he was single-minded, and struggled with orders. Her heart went out to the L-2 biotic, hoping perhaps one day to get him a better amp. He was, in short, a puppy dog fighting for her lost affections. She simply couldn't find in her heart to even try to fake something for the man. She indulged him once, just before Ilos, but she feared it would get to his head.

_Tali._

She knew her whole name, Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, but she always preferred Tali. A young quarian on her Pilgrimage, caught up in a mess that made her a hero. She remembered days sitting in decom suits helping Tali patch holes, watching her drink herself into giggling fits. A cute girl. She still wondered to this day if perhaps she was cute under her suit.

_Dr. Chakwas._

Oh god, this woman and her banter and her brandy. This doctor was the death and life of her. Now the med-bay was a quiet place to speak her mind without worry, and Chakwas always knew how to help, though when the bottles came out, she was a drunk with a hundred and one stories to spill into the air. She was glad they got to share a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy.

_Joker._

He lived up to his stupid nickname from basic, despite being splinters for legs all the time. She respected the hell out of a man who would match her smart ass remarks and add to her library of things to say. A brother in and out, she had spent many a nights talking about the SR1, and just casually flipping through Fornax issues just to see how far fetched the real deals could be. Good times.

_Garrus Vakarian._

A friend. A brother. And maybe, if she had ever figured out her scarred heart's messages, more then that. She hated herself for being silent to everyone, unable to make stronger bonds, but it was the strongest with Garrus. Watching him fix the Mako after she decided to barrel roll over Geth or do sick flips over countless mountains, spending so much time helping and talking about nothing and everything. Turians, despite all the distrust after first contact, were her favorite species. She loved their honor code, their complicated system for love and battle and relations. It absolutely fascinated her.

He fascinated her the most.

She struggled for air, gasping pointlessly once more before letting tears slip from her eyes, feeling her mind break and shatter without its oxygen. Space swallowed her dying body as she let her last message pass her lips, disappearing into the silence as she came down like a missile to the planet below, watching once again her world burn around her.

**"Wait for me..."**

* * *

She left the universe surrounded by flames, so waking up once again to flames and smoke choking her still weak lungs, and some woman screaming at her to get up despite the pain all over her body almost seemed normal. She didn't have much time to suit up, grabbing for a pistol just in time to find herself assaulted within the small operating room. She spared no glance at the machines clearly showing her that she was incomplete; a science project. Cerberus symbols hung on every window, every wall, and her stomach curled as she fought through the burning halls of the facility. Pointless chatter in her ear about how things work, how things are. She was being retaught how to fight, how to move, how to use things.

How long...

"Two years."

Two years of silence. Two years in the atmosphere of a planet as her ship burned into dust, her crew surviving who knows how. Her disbanded crew getting wind of her death, and mourning her.

The news crippled her, but she kept firm. She was still on duty, still working, despite the urge to throw Cerberus to the curb and run. If the Alliance hadn't thrown her, she would rejoin Anderson, Hackett, and make peace. But everyone had left, she found out. The Council refused to believe the existence of the Reapers, disproved her 'wild theories', and both them and the Alliance had thrown her into the dust. She knew from the moment she was ordered to hunt for pockets of Geth that she was thrown away. The day she was told all Alien crew members were to be off the ship, she knew would be the end of everything she had achieved.

How the universe burns around her constantly.

She held it together through meeting the Illusive Man, the shadow behind the horror show under the name Cerberus, who brought her back for the 'good of the universe, and humanity'. He made her sick, absolutely nauseous. She felt like she needed to shower for hours, and scrub his awful presence off her soul. Before she was rushed out immediately again for yet another mission with little to no explanations that sated her, she changed her armor. She could thank them for that at least, returning her armor to black and blue highlights.

Kat didn't truly want to do this anymore, moving through Freedom's Progress in silence, unable to shake the feeling of being constantly watched by Miranda. It was hard enough to be around her, but her staring at her like she was a child of hers creeped her out. Moving through the empty halls and abandoned homes, she found no solace in this silence, even as she nursed an old habit of taking credits from abandoned pads, farming for supplies and ammo. Ash used to poke fun at her for being a scavenger and a hoarder, but Garrus encouraged her actions. It meant better meals and more bullets to kill enemies. It was dead and empty. However, the arrival of quarians did spice her day up, especially upon meeting an old face.

Being aimed at by quarians wasn't fun, but hearing Tali's voice, seeing her glowing eyes behind her mask tighten at the sight of her alive once more... it burned her chest, emotions boiling but never hitting the top.

Tali's voice was cloaked in confusion and uncertainty, but she could hear the hidden relief, the happiness. "Shepard? Is that... you're alive?"

"Yeah, Tali. Sadly, Cerberus was the one to bring me back, with a lot of strings."

Her partner wasn't buying it, snorting in disgust. Kat had the control for now to not glare at him and see if her biotics could warp him into a pulp. Tali mattered more then one doubtful and guarded quarian. He was right to be on his guard. She was simply agitated that he would go so far while Tali led him, obviously. Tali calmly gave him an order for weapons down, and began explaining her presence here on a human colony.

"One of our people was here on Pilgrimage. His name was Veetor. We came to find him."

Kat was surprised by the news. "A pilgrimage-bound quarian visiting remote colonies?"

Tali shrugged a little, but her voice showed her calm and serious explanation. "Quarians can choose where they go on Pilgrimage. Veetor liked the idea of helping a small settlement. He was... always nervous in crowds."

The same annoying quarian partner by her side started up again. "She means that he was unstable. Combine that with the damage to his suit's CO2 scrubbers an infection from an open-air exposure, and he's likely delirious."

Kat could tell Tali didn't really like this tone, but continued anyway. "When he saw us landing, he hid in a warehouse on the far side of town. We suspect he also programmed the mechs to attack anything that moved."

Did this mean teaming up with Tali? Her smile had to be curbed as she stepped forward a step.

"If Veetor is our only clue to what happened here, we should work together to find him and get to him safety."

It was somewhat smooth sailing once an agreement had been made, fighting drones and mechs alike to get to this warehouse. Scavenging as she went, diving into cover before kicking up warps, only to slam them down into shockwave. With each use of her biotics, they woke up from their deep slumber. The beast within was coming alive, and it made her feel back in control for a moment. Keep running, keep moving. Even though Tali's team moved ahead to get their target before them, she kept going.

Even at the sight of the heavy mech blasting apart Prazza's squad, and then taking aim at them, she kept going. Pulling her sniper out and clipping it as she moved, picking up heavy ammo, and blasting him to pieces once she had him trapped in a biotic blast. She finished off her sweep of the area, and entered the last building remaining.

She didn't remember much besides his monitors. Watching Collectors taking humans screaming and fighting, swarms of bugs filling the air. The sound haunted her. She remembered letting him go with Tali and return to the flotilla. She wouldn't let Miranda have this one. It was one thing to get info, but to take a whole being wouldn't be right.

Her talk with the Illusive Man was... stellar, as sarcastic as it could be said. However hearing _his_ voice behind her after the Illusive Man left, made her smile, jumping Joker's bones as she hugged the limping pilot gently. He deserved a hug, not allowing him to speak before she mumbled into his shoulder.

"...I'm sorry for dying on you, Joker. It won't happen again."

"It better not," Joker scoffed, smiling at her, "Now, don't you cry. I haven't pulled out the party poppers and annoyed miss prissy back there. Or found decent cake yet for you. You missed two birthdays, and mine! I deserve back presents."

She laughed heartily, having missed his dry wit and humor. They moved through the halls together, speaking of what happened after she died, how he got caught up with Cerberus. He obviously didn't like them, but he had to say they did have some nice toys.

Seeing her new ship, an upgrade of the good old SR1, rang both happily and coldly in her chest. A beautiful group project between Turians and Humans was now a toy of Cerberus, painted in its colors, telling the universe such an engineering marvel was no longer so shiny and new. It was home at the same time, but with new toys, new guns, new areas, and finally, a captain's quarters with her own shower. She had to admit though.. it would be the closest she got to home.

"Two hundred credits says I already know her name." she grinned, and Joker couldn't beam back brighter.

The Normandy SR2 sailed out of Cerberus port proudly, with her new captain, helmsmen, a small crew, and a new AI holding her steady.

The mission against the Collectors had only just begun for Katherine Shepard, and she had so much to learn and hear after two long years without a universe to call home.

She looked over the four dossiers given to her in her cabin, nursing a glass of flat cola their cook had so graciously gifted her with as a welcome aboard present. The Professor, Mordin Solis, The Archangel, The Convict, Jack, and the Warlord. She set aside the warlord and the convict, feeling it better to get to Omega before straying too far. Miranda had recommended Mordin, but reading through Archangel's profile was more interesting. She had asked the Illusive Man more about her old crew, and she had been hurt to hear that Garrus had dropped off the radar after abandoning Spectre training. Most likely as a result of her passing, now without a Spectre he could shadow without issue. Her heart ached for her old crew, her only friends in a universe she now did not really belong in. They were scattered, lost, confused maybe, and still always mourning the loss of their commander and friend. God, just thinking about them all coming to a funeral for her with nothing but an empty casket and a photo of her made her ache. She tried to brush the painful thoughts and 'what ifs' by rereading the dossier.

Archangel. Wanted by all three major merc groups found on Omega for disruption of operations, execution of operatives, and overall sabotage of their actions and missions. She had to give a silent cheers to this so called 'angel of justice'.

Mordin could wait. She had made up her mind.

"EDI. Have Joker plot a coarse for Omega, if you could."

_"Acknowledged, Commander Shepard."_

_"Coarse plotted. We should be there in 4 hours or so, Shep. So, are you bagging the crazy mad scientist first, or letting Miranda sputter?"_ Joker's voice filtered over her. She finished off her glass, smiling as she read through the dossier once more before setting them down.

She tosses her untied dark brown hair off her shoulders, focusing sharp silver eyes on her terminal. She knew her room would be bugged, and was setting out to fix that issue before setting out on a mission.

"Miranda can sit and spin a little. It'll do her good, seeing as she's joined my list of 'people with sticks up their asses'. My eyes are set on this 'Archangel'."

Once both comms went dead, she stretched across her couch, setting the dossier down with the others, laying there for a moment, looking up at the stars. She remembered the moments before her death, floating through the endless black as she counted down the seconds, remembering, reliving, cherishing. How odd it was now, to gaze up and not choke on an empty vacuum, to actually know she could breathe safely in this space. New yet unfamiliar. Unmarked yet touched by her. She had a lot to do, and maybe while at Omega, she could start decorating this cabin. The bugs were gone, but it didn't mean it didn't feel less like home. She would make it hers. Find pads full of info and scatter them, maybe find a pet again. She had a huge fish tank now, so she could have some fish. Seeing from the shelves lining her desk, she could collect models again and spend hours trying to put them together until she was forced to ask Garrus if-

Her eyes closed.

"You've waited enough now, everyone. I'm coming home."

* * *

Shepard was pinged silently as they pulled up alongside Omega, sitting up slowly before moving immediately to the cargo bay, suiting up as Jacob did the same, staring at Lawson and her catsuit of an outfit. She caught on, giving a noncommittal noise and an eyeroll before moving toward the docking bay. She shook her head, checking the sights of her sniper rifle once more before following suit, pausing only to address the command center.

"If anyone needs supplies, or extra goodies to hide in random parts of the ship, now is the time. You have six hours to do so, and be careful. We all know the dangers of Omega. Can't lose crew already now, can I?"

It got a weak response, but some did jump for the airlock as they exited, met with a salarian. She didn't mind beggars too much, but once the batarian came toward them, barking at them to go to Afterlife to see Aria, she knew her time here would be horrible. While she could easily suppress the uneasiness of being barked at by batarians, she didn't like being told to see people on a whim. She carried on, taking in the smell of Ryncol and the faintest lingering scent of a lot of things. Red sand, for one. A mixture of other drinks, the sweat of both patrons and mercs walking around. Miranda whispered about a horrible experience the last time she had been here, and she passed it off. This wouldn't be the cleanest operation, and she knew it. It was Omega, after all.

Eyes forward.

She walked past the growing line of people attempting to enter Afterlife, ignoring the encroaching group coming at her with a sharp shimmer of her wild biotics, putting them in their place for now. The pounding music and laughter of dancers hit her ears immediately, filled with the smell of alcohol, drugs, sweat, and desperation. Her eyes came to the overhanging sections looking over the entire dancefloor, smiling gently. If there were to be a ruler of this place, you gotta have the best seat of the house. She could see the guards watching her, staring holes into a phantom come to life. Jacob and Miranda were rigid, as expected, but she kept going, always moving.

Up the stairs passed guards, to the Queen of Omega herself. The ever sharp Aria T'Loak. To say holding a conversation with was amusing was an understatement, but she made a decent first impression. As she idly chatted with the Asari, gathering information and just causally speaking with the Queen, she fell into a comfortable place.

Control. Casual speak. Refreshing looseness over uptight professionalism.

But she knew eventually she had to break from Aria to continue her original mission, bidding the Asari with a casual promise, bringing her to a smile, which surprised even her. Sensing her party members were getting unnerved, they moved on to Aria's recommendations to get to Archangel. The recruitment room for the Blue Suns was small, but it worked for what she needed to do. The process wasn't professional at all, and it told her what she needed about these groups. They were pushing everyone at Archangel to get to him, and even now they were unsuccessful. However, on the way out, bumping into a spirited human teen wanted to join up, Shepard's inhibition told her to stop him. After waving his new gun around, she quickly grabbed it from him, slamming down on the stock and breaking it. Sabotaged from the start, whoever sold him the gun was trying to get him killed. Handing it back with a smile, she left with a simple remark.

"You'll thank me later, kid. Move on from merc work before it kills you."

The ride out to his hideout wasn't the smoothest, as it was a Blue Sun member driving the shuttle, but it gave her time to think at least. She didn't know what to truly expect when she got there. Perhaps a stronghold, maybe a choke point. If they were to the point of hiring mercs to help with their problems, it meant they were low on troops and desperate at this point, but they still had enough in them to keep pushing for Archangel. That alone was a clue to how strong, or just how resilient this person was.

The landing was nothing but rocky, landing to the sounds of orders to locate someone and the pounding hits of sniper fire hitting clueless mercs who stuck their heads out too far. Ducking their heads, they moved smoothly into another room, slyly moving around them to get through, plucking a data pad off a set of crates and moving on.

Useful information, credits taken, medigel and ammo. The common collections. She leanead in on meetings and other mercs and members of the gangs, learning. Watching, carefully observing. They arrived with little fanfare to their meeting point, instructed to prepare to deploy to the choke point and get Archangel. She watched curiously from her spot next to the airship, looking up at the shifting body up in the nest Archangel made. She could do this, no problem.

She ensured the airship would be part patchwork, and hacked a very unguarded mech, before joining the next team of mercs to storm the castle. It was too easy to start killing them as she moved across the bridge, ducking as one shot from behind. She ducked behind the little cover and spun out, her hair flying, only to be hit with a round from above. It did little more then bounce off her kinetic shields, but it was still a shot against her. Anger boiled as she looked up at Archangel, but quickly calmed, moving forward.

Once the remaining squad of mercs were taken care of, she ascended for the main room, Archangels hiding spot. Instructing Miranda and Jacob to stand guard, she entered. Her eyes picked up the little details. Empty c lips scattered across the floor, weapons in various positions of use and disrepair. Stims surrounded the sniper, another in his hand and quickly pressed into his thigh. It was obvious now he was a turian. She lowered her weapon, her biotics softly flaring.

"Archangel?"


	2. Paragon Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit 9/23: Went through and edited a few things, fixed some grammer, nothing too major.

Archangel signaled her with a finger to hold her back, a breath taken. Silent seconds passed as he lined up a shot, and he waited like a hawk. Patient and precise, he waited for his target to peek out of cover. The brain matter of a Salarian merc splattered across the bridge as the sound of his silent shot rang in her ears. Slowly he stood, placing his sniper aside as he moved to sit up on his nest.

Her eyes followed his every twitch, watching him pull his helmet free, taking a seat in his nest with a grunt. Pain and relief hit her chest as she traced the lines of his mandibles, the blue clan markings he so proudly held. As his eyes met hers, everything tunneled toward him in disbelief and happiness and pain and worry.

"Shepard. I thought you were dead."

Everything in her wanted to cry his name happily, to hold him and relish now that she had another old friend back in her life, but she knew it wouldn't happen. The sight of his exhausted eyes, the scattered stims, the horrid condition he squatted in for safety.

Two years of swallowing the pain of losing his commander and friend had taken its effect in the worst way.

"Garrus," she replied softly, smiling, "It's good to see you. Didn't expect to find you on Omega."

He chuckled softly, a cold edge to the sound. "Well you know me. Law abiding, red tape covered places aren't exactly my favorite. Figured after a while, I could bring my own brand of justice to someplace else."

Her eyes softened, stepping forward. "From Spectre trainee to vigilante... not the greatest career change."

"Well after you died, and the Council decided to throw you to the winds, the idea of being a Spectre just didn't appeal to me anymore."

Shepard nodded solemnly. She knew the Council would betray her, even after saving them in the Battle against Saren. After all she had done to prove the Reapers were real, they threw her away after she died on a mission she didn't need to do. Despite everything, she was just another human, another crazy woman with no evidence to a story that had landed on their front door. Literally. It was among the wounds she carried after being revived and learning how everything had changed while she lay on an operating table under Cerberus knives and scientists. She stepped closer to him, her expression sliding into a gentle but mournful one.

"I have a lot to explain."

"I figured that, seeing as a dead woman is in front of me... but I trust you not to lie to me."

Her smile came back. It felt warmer, just a little better then the cold reminders of the missing time. "Never in a million years, Garrus. Sorry I took a long nap. Lost track of time for a while there."

He gave her the turian equivalent of a smile, the gentlest tug up of his mandibles, standing up to his full height. His hand went for his sniper rifle.

"Well I'm just glad you woke up. It's good to have you back, Shepard. Now, care to help me finish a job before you start explaining?"

"If it involves killing more stupid mercs and gangs, then count me in. But first... why did you shoot me?"

Garrus smiled again, taking up his sniper rifle, checking the clip for a moment. His visor flickered.

"Concussive rounds, so nothing dangerous. I just needed to know it really was you walking down that bridge. Last thing I wanted to see while on stims was a hallucination of you and find out it wasn't real again."

She took up a spot next to him, pulling out her sniper. She patted his closest shoulder, smirking as the next wave came for them. She couldn't imagine his sorrow when he saw her, after imagining her so many times. She would never truly understand, but she could relieve him of that pain.

"No need to worry about hallucinations or stims anymore. I'm right here. Sorry for making you wait."

"I'm just glad to have you back, Shepard. Now, let's get back to what we do best."

* * *

Another fire lit in the universe.

She had tried to race from the last sealed off route to him when she heard the airship coming for him, pushing her body and biotics to rocket her through and over her enemies, trying to get there before he lost himself under its fire. She ignored her team, ignored the screaming of her heart, but even as she flew into the lobby of the building, she could see the explosion of fire as he was hit and thrown to the ground.

Failure, failure, failure. She should have been faster, she should have thrown her biotics farther, attacked better. If she hadn't slipped up, he wouldn't be dying here! She clung to him as his blue blood spilled across his fingers. Miranda was droning on how he wouldn't make it. Jacob was trying to either radio the ship or speak to someone else, but either way the noise was getting to her, and she lost it. Biotic fury pushed them away as she stared daggers at them, eyes flickering in deadly blue. Her power unbound in this one instant was a terrifying sight, and she made sure it was. She was a wild storm of anger and emotions and biotics, and it could kill.

" **ENOUGH!** Get me the shuttle, NOW! _Enough_ of this bullshit! That's an order!"

Her rage snapped them into action as she kept pressing against his wounds, shaking her head, trying to keep her emotions under wraps. Her biotics were a mess, flickering around her like a static shield. She needed to calm down, he needed to keep breathing.

"Don't you dare, Garrus. Keep breathing, don't fall asleep please!"

His gargled reply frightened her, as he held weakly onto her hand. She kept pressure on it, trying to keep his eyes open, fearing that she would lose him. The hum of the shuttle roared nearby, drowned out by the sound of him trying to keep awake, trying to breathe. Her heart roared painfully as his started to go silent. She roared at hands coming to get her off him, taking in sharp breaths as they took him into the shuttle. They had to keep hold of her in fear of her biotics crashing them, luckily though Miranda could balance her fraying control until Shepard could, seconds before they made it to the Normandy.

She raced with him as they took him straight to med bay, not even bothering to take off her armor. Chakwas didn't stop her as they put him onto a gurney, but as she tried to help, the old Doctor pushed her back.

"I can help!" she immediately argued, her biotics crackling for a moment. Chakwas continued to push against her, a firm look on her face

"Shepard, I know it's Garrus, but I need you out of here now."

"Chakwas, _please_ -" she pleaded, but Chakwas wouldn't budge. She pointed to the door.

"I won't be hearing it. Leave, now, Commander, for his sake!"

She hissed against her orders but complied, limping out of the med bay as the shutters closed and the door locked behind her. She rested against the door for a moment, looking down at the bright blue blood decorating her hands and chest. She fingered a small pool of it in her palm for a moment, sliding down the door to hit the floor.

Hit by a rocket, a direct impact against his face... he could die in the room behind her, and all she would have left of him was this blood on her hands.

Two years pass without anyone and the one time she can reconnect, she watches him die before her.

She knew the crew was watching, staring, unable to comprehend what had happened, what she was going through. New faces watching a scarred and tightened one struggle with the pain of losing a friend reclaimed before their eyes.

Shepard stood on shaky legs, avoiding her crew's eyes and slowly moved to the elevator. She would take her armor off in the loading bay, slowly piece by bloody piece, lay it down unclean, and stare at it. Watching it dry against her armor as clear as day. Her gloves hadn't saved her from the pain of having the blood on her hands, wiggling her digits even as she returned to the mess, awaiting the news on Garrus' survival. Unnerved by the silence, she tried to find an out for her anxiety and fears.

Gardner came to her rescue with a cup of something strong smelling, setting it before her as if she would drink it no questions asked. She was dubious of it for a moment, arching an eyebrow, but he continued to push it at her with an encouraging smile.

"Dextro chocolate coffee. Something I snuck out of Omega. Give it a try, Commander. I have a good feeling you'd have no issue with the allergy."

"Now that you mention it... that is one thing I wanted to test."

Gardner cocked an eyebrow, sitting across from her as she took a long sip, sighing in relief as she wrapped blood soaked fingers around the cup.

"No issue I assume, Commander?" He asked cautiously but curiously.

"Not at all," Shepard moaned blissfully, taking another drink, "This is delicious. How much more do you have of this?"

Gardner chuckled, glad to see her happy. "Not too much, sadly. We'll have to pick more up. I was told this was cheap stuff by the girl that sold me it. If we visit, say, Illium, or the Citadel, we could pick up better ones. Of course, getting better rations overall would be nice."

"That I can do, Gardner," Shepard smiled, setting her cup down, "we may... have to wait though."

Her eyes came to the med bay again, her sorrow and fear returning. She shielded it under her normal soldier mask as she could. She took another sip, settling into a silence.

"Do ya' trust that doctor of yours, Commander?"

She sighed softly, her fingers tapping against the cup in her hands.

"Yeah. Chakwas is good... no, amazing, at what she does. I wouldn't want another."

"Then don't worry too much," Gardner said, "He'll be fine if he's in such good hands. Take some time, I'll make you more dextro coffee if you'd like."

Shepard looked down into her cup. Her concerned face reflected against the dark surface of the rippling liquid, the glow of her cybernetics reminding her coldly of their existence. Her eyes moved to the dried blue blood on her fingers. Too quickly did she remember the sight of the rocket hitting his face, splashing his blood across the ground and furniture.

She slammed back the rest of her cup and offered it up to Gardner.

"That would be nice."

* * *

She didn't last too long in the mess, downing two more cups of the dextro coffee before moving from the mess, into the briefing room. Quietly messing with navigation, she plotted different routes for when they were off missions to hunt for supplies and such to keep the ship stocked in case they needed to upgrade or change anything. She was trying to plot more extensive routes to mine through planets to get ready to do upgrades and mods when Jacob came in silently. His news chilled her to the bone.

"Dr. Chakwas did what she could for Garrus. Some correctional surgeries and cybernetics fixed most of the damage but we don't know when he'll be up."

She sighed, dropping her eyes. It was to be expected after such a hit. She nodded to him softly.

"For now, it seems he'll be fine-"

Their eyes drew to the opening door, the sight of her beaten but not down turian bringing a smile to her face.

"Damn. Tough son of a bitch."

She looked a little better, seeing the large bandage over part of his face, scars running over his mandible. His face markings had also taken a beating. But he was still breathing, still alive. Still the same stubborn turian he was before.

"No one would give me a mirror. How bad is it?" Garrus asked, gesturing to his face and wounds.

Shepard immediately laughed, uncrossing her arms. If he wanted honesty, he would get it from her.

"Forgive my bluntness, sweetie, but you look fucked up. But don't worry, we can fix up your pretty face with some paint, some grease."

He got a laugh out of that one, groaning quickly after, though his smile never faded.

"Damn, don't make me laugh. My face is barely holding together as it is. Some woman find facial scars attractive, you know."

She chuckled, glad to know even after the rocket he was okay. Jacob continued to watch for a moment before saluting stiffly and leaving. It was for the better. Garrus watched him leave, and turned back to her once the door had closed.

"Cerberus, Shepard? Is this among the things you wanted to explain?"

"Absolutely," she confirmed, "I just... it's going to a long explanation."

"It worries me, that Cerberus of all organizations, got their hands on you. It scares me as well, Shepard. Are you sure you're alright?"

She had to honestly pause to think for that one.

"Not entirely. I'm still not entirely alright with this but... it's all I have. Besides, it feels a little more like home now that you're here. Less like I'm a prisoner of Cerberus."

"Well it's good to know I'm a comfort. Perhaps I can thank Cerberus for doing some good for once. Now, the question is do you want to explain now or let me set up in the main battery?"

Shepard smirked a little, poking at the damaged ridge of his armor.

"Explanation now, while I'm still hyped up on dextro coffee."

Garrus went pale for a moment, and she honestly didn't expect it. Quickly, she realized the implications of what she had said. She held her hands up before he started to ask.

"Don't worry, don't worry. I'll explain that too. Along with all the things that Cerberus did when they brought me back, immunity to the whole different protein thing was included. I can eat and drink dextro things now."

His response was tight. "If you say so. I'm going to Chakwas-"

"No you aren't. I'm fine."

"Shepard-" his voice was urgent, and worried. He had to make sure she would be okay.

"I drank that coffee thirty minutes ago. Also if I was still allergic, I'd be dead by now because I had several cups."

"...your ship already has dextro rations?"

Her smile came back. Successfully ensuring she was safe with dextro rations, she had steered it in the right direction. She grinned, motioning to the door. His eyes followed it slowly.

"Chocolate coffee. Gardner, our resident mess sergeant, picked up some stuff while he had some shore leave on Omega. He got it for me, but I don't mind sharing my stash of dextro sweets."

"...I'll be visiting the mess before I meet you at your cabin."

"I'll be waiting. Bring extras."

He turned to smile as they left together for the elevator. "No promises."

* * *

It was a conversation she didn't think of having, but it honestly lifted a great burden off her chest. She had left Garrus and the rest of her crew without anything, and to just show up two years later like nothing had happened, and the only difference was a Cerberus tag attached to her body and ship. Getting the time to explain and try to start fixing year long open wounds, to make up for so much lost and ruined time, helped her immensely. Sharing a few cups of dextro chocolate coffee, talking about what happened in two years, what had changed in Shepard, what Garrus had done. It was still a little hard, a little fresh, but it would be alright, if she was to believe what Garrus was saying.

"I wish I could just do this for a while..." she mused, setting her cup aside and standing up. Garrus followed her as she moved to the side of her bed, poking at a wall panel as she opened a part of her closet.

"Do this?" he repeated. She nodded gently.

"This. Just... taking time off and talking and relaxing. Hell, it's barely even begun, this mission to go after the Collectors, and.. I'm tired. Two years of missing time, of throwing away so many friendships and connections... its so tiring to reforge all of this while literally working for a terrorist organization because you have no choice."

She stripped of her Cerberus labeled uniform top, tossing it into the back of her closet, adjusting her sports bra. Garrus sighed softly as she dug into the space, approaching her as she found something not labeled with a logo. A simple blank tank top that wrapped around her.

"Shepard.. I realize this mission Cerberus has you on is important, but they must realize they can't burn you out so quickly."

She chuckled coldly, shoving her panel back into place. "I can't burn out, really. Thanks to these cybernetics."

She stuck out her arm, revealing the lightly glowing orange cybernetics through her arm. It disappeared into her shirt, the lines tracing her entire body. She hadn't been complete when her facility had been attacked, so they would show no matter what. Garrus gently grabbed her arm in his gloved hands, putting it down to her side.

"Like you're already showing me, Shepard, you could care less about Cerberus and their rules. Today has been a long day. Dock for the night, get some sleep. I'll be here for the rest of this mission, no matter what."

Shepard smiled then, appreciating his gentle approach, his caring voice. She turned to him, gently hitting a curled hand against his carapace.

"You'll have my six again?"

"Of course. No one else can do it better then me." Garrus said with appropriate pride. Shepard nodded, her smile growing.

"No one can do a better team then Shepard and Vakarian."

"Damn right, Shepard."


	3. Storm Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit 9/23: Fixed some spelling and continuity errors, since I flopped on the Ash/Kaidan thing halfway through this fic

After the heartwarming but traumatic recovery of Garrus, Shepard took the rest of the day to calm down, get everything back into place, and prepare for he next dossier and the next new teammate. The crew was a little warmer at the news of an extended stay in Omega, seeming happy to know they could shop for personal things, though this rock didn't have the best things, or prices. She had Gardner pick up a few more cans of the dextro coffee, and set off to organizing, adjusting her armor, modding her weapons, and sleeping in a random order for the next eight hours. Occasionally she'd be visited by Garrus, and Jacob, especially while configuring weapons and armor, but otherwise she had the hours to herself to recuperate, to recharge before heading out again.

She did some research on Mordin Solus, reading up on what the dossier could tell her. He's held up in a clinic deep inside Omega, healing people being hit by a spreading plague. A plague, by multiple accounts, affects every species except vorcha and humans, and long enough exposure ensures death. Fast spreading, quick acting, it was killing off lower wards easily. Reports of Blue Suns mercs were also thrown around the reports of the clinic, as well plenty of theories behind the spread of the plague and finger pointing at who could be at fault for its spread despite it being a complete anomaly.

"Why can't he just be at a normal clinic in the lower wards, I swear..." Shepard murmured, sighing before setting her datapad down. She plucked her modified visor up, adjusting it around her head and testing it for a moment.

"Alright. EDI ?"

_"Yes, Shepard?"_

"Tell Jacob and Garrus to suit up and meet me at the airlock. We're going for the salarian."

_"Understood, Shepard."_

* * *

"Shepard. If you want me to be safe, I can always go back and Miranda can take my place. You sure about keeping me along?" she asked as they took a moment in front of the quarantine.

Shepard rolled a shoulder for a moment, taking a breath before pulling her sniper off his back. "Is the great Archangel afraid of a cough? We shouldn't be in there long enough to risk anything... but I'd rather have you on my six, if you can handle it."

Garrus laughed gently, nodding in confirmation. "I got your back, Shepard. A cough isn't going to stop me."

"Good. Alright, you two. Let's find ourselves a doctor in the middle of a Blue Suns minefield."

Once past the guards of turians and into the real infected zone, it wasn't long to meet conflict and Blue Suns members still inside the quarantine zone. Some quick exploring yielded some credits, some mods, and a heartbreaking account of a couple of turians left locked inside their apartment. It wasn't a great start into a place riddled with the smell of death and horrors, something that made Shepard's stomach curdle, remembering her life's moments where all she could smell was this overwhelming weight of death. After a quick argument and talk with a batarian far into the through of the plague, and providing some relief so he could get to the clinic, they continued forward. A cough behind her had her turning to find Garrus the source of the sound, grimacing as best as a turian could.

"That's not a good sign." he said, coughing weakly once more.

"Still good, Garrus?"

He gave a nod, adjusting his sniper rifle in his hands. She nodded back with a worried smile, but did not argue. It was only the beginning, but she still knew it could get worse and impact him by the time they got to Mordin and his clinic. Jacob nudged his shoulder briefly, and although he was still a little stiff, he was warming up to the way Shepard worked and ran her crew and ops. It was a good sign. Forward they went, dodging bullets, and splattering blood as they went. One area did catch them, Shepard dodging into another room to keep from the spray of bullets and vorcha spitting fire. Reloading her shotgun, she quickly dodged out and shot one in the chest, a few stray pellets hitting his hand, hiding behind cover and smiling at the sound of his tank exploding into fiery death. Sniper fire and biotic blasts follow her as she moved and collects and attacks, trying to make good time so they can lower the risk of losing Mordin, and exposing Garrus to this plague any longer.

By the time they were closing in on the clinic, Shepard was getting annoyed by the Blue Suns. Finishing off the last three with precise blasts of her biotics, two of men's skulls exploding upon impact, her teammates looked on with mixed expressions. Garrus was mildly horrified, seeing how powerful she was now, and mystified by her abilities. Jacob was as horrified, however he looked more at awe at how she could use different abilities then his own.

"Let's keep moving, boys."

Her voice pulled them back, and they moved forward. She was guarded as they turned a corner into a hallway, spotting the mechs immediately. A man alongside them explained where Mordin was, and informing them that they were safe. As the doors slid open for them, they were met with a chaotically organized scene. People rescued from the plague, those looking for safety, nurses trying to help keep things together, a few guards. From a back room, Shepard could hear the quick words of someone; most likely Mordin Solus. She gave a breath of relief as she quickly grabbed what she could, met face to face with a quick lipped salarian, her dossier target.

"Professer Solus."

"Ah, Shepard. Good timing."

"You know me?" she was a little confused, but went along with it.

"Oh course. Savior of the Citadel, supposed to be dead, curious. Reanimated? No, regenerated? Not possible, humans cannot generate tissue in such large quantities. Perhaps will question that later. Here for me, then? Cerberus brought you here, looking for the Collectors. One moment."

She was left spinning from how quickly he spoke, but he seemed to move quick and without stop. He was analyzing Garrus swiftly, humming at the results.

"Turian, only barely affected. Immunobooster should do the trick for now. Now, Shepard, Collectors, can't join you yet. Must take care of the plague, have a cure. Needs to be released airborn, can't leave the clinic."

"We can do that-"

A clank had everyone look up, as fans whirred down to a dead stop. Mordin quickly moved for a few vials, handing them to Shepard.

"Vorcha shut off the environmental systems, won't have much time until ward chokes to death. Take the cure, inject it into the system, plague will be dealt with. Go, Shepard."

"That's our cue, boys." Shepard said, nodding to Mordin as they made a swift exit to get the cure out.

* * *

Of course, the vorcha were the ones to spread the plague in the wards, working for the Collectors in exchange for power. They weren't weak, of course, waves coming for them with rockets from the catwalks above the fans, which they had to fix before the cure could be released into the systems. Honestly, she'd rather be back in the thick of it with Garrus against all three gangs instead of being shot at by vorcha with rockets. Luckily, they got both fans on, and the environmental systems fired back up, distributing the cure to end this Collector-made curse.

"Well, that doctor was right about that cure." Garrus mentioned as they made their way back to the clinic, "Works well."

"I'm ashamed, Garrus. I only got you back and you go and get sick." Shepard joked, earning a rather swift hit on the shoulder from Garrus, earning a hearty laugh.

"Didn't you get him sick, though, Commander?" Jacob mentioned, Garrus' mandibles widening in a smile.

"Yes, yes she did!" he reinforced, "It was your bright idea, Shepard, to bring me into a plague area."

"I gave you a chance." she murmured, "but someone was stubborn."

"Bite me, Shepard."

Seductive eyes glanced over at him. "With pleasure~"

Their conversation snowballed from there, Shepard and Garrus taking shots at each other, Jacob fueling the fires of the joking and joy, eventually meeting with the Doctor to lead him to the Normandy now that everything was sorted out and the plague had been handled rightly. Mordin would be an odd addition, and he would take some time to get used to, but it would help tremendously with the fight against the Collectors. Jacob took the salarian back, while Garrus joined her for some oddball shopping in the meager shops available to her. Between shops, they would once again joke and laugh like old times, threatening shop owners into discounts quite easily.

"Hidden gems in a rotting pile, I swear." Shepard mentioned as they walked back, her items bought sent to her ship.

"Is it time to get off this rotting pile, now?" Garrus asked. As they passed the entrance, Shepard remembered something, stepping toward the throne room of Omega's queen.

"There's one more thing I gotta do, but I need to go into Afterlife. Head back to the Normandy, Archangel."

He took the note, waving her goodbye as she reentered, bypassing security swiftly. Aria waved her beside her, and she immediately pulled out a datapad, handing it to her.

"Found this a while back, while they were still after Archangel. Thought you'd like to know what's coming."

The asari scanned it before anger crossed her features, throwing it at her batarian before thanking her for the warning. They chatted for a moment before Shepard had to leave, sweeping into a grand bow.

"I'll be back sometime, I'm sure, Aria."

"I'm looking forward to it, Shepard," Shepard knew Aria meant it, her voice sultry, "Don't be a stranger for too long. You, my little human, are a great thing to have nearby."

It was a sweet goodbye to Omega, but she had a feeling she would return to this drug and alcohol soaked rock one day. She returned to the ship with a smile, and immediately took off to get some mining and hunting done before their next mission started. Disappearing into her cabin, she shifted through her remaining dossiers, before tossing one after another and laying out on her bed.

"Okay, some rest and some training is in order... gotta get my biotic tricks back in order."

Shepard had begun to crawl up to her pillows and close her eyes for some sleep, finally getting some decent shut eye-

_"Shepard, Ms. Lawson has requested you in her quarters."_

She groaned loudly, hitting her pillow. She hated the AI sometimes, and right now most certainly hated Miranda then. She sat up slowly, pushing back her loose hair.

"Did she saw why she needed me?"

_"She did not."_

"Then tell her I will not be coming down."

_"I shall pass on your message, Shepard. However, I suspect she may not like it."_

"Tell her to sit and spin then." she mumbled.

 _"Shall I pass on that message as well?"_ EDI asked. Shepard chuckled gently.

"No, EDI. She'll be mad enough with the first one. Just log me out and let me sleep, please."

_"Logging you out then, Shepard."_

With that done, Shepard let her head hit her pillows, sighing in relief that she could at least dodge that issue for now. Once she had enough sleep, a shower maybe as well, she would be able to talk and interact with Miranda. More likely then not, she wanted to bitch about her choices and how she was 'unprofessional' with her crew, whom would be more then likely dying with her on this mission.

Honestly, she was surprised how relaxed she had gotten on this ship already, how calm she was with the crew. Jacob was warming up to the idea of a family instead of a crew, and having Garrus back helped her more then anything. Having a rock from her past, someone she knew almost literally like family, made things just a little more worth it. She had been worried that after two years, they would have moved on, hated her even, if she came back before their eyes. It was still a possibility for the others out there.

Tali, she knew already. She hoped hatred didn't keep in her best friend's heart. Garrus was far from angry with her, luckily. Liara, Wrex, who knows about them. Kaidan... she could imagine he would be angry.

She opened her eyes again, looking up at the window into space once more. A small smile hit her lips, despite the bitter memories in her head, the ringing of the cold bells of the past. Something told her, 'it would all be alright'. Despite the risks, the warnings, the horrible position she was in with Cerberus... she had a good feeling.

"EDI... I have one more order before I call it quits for the night."

_"And that would be, Shepard...?"_

"After we do our prepared sweep of planets, set a course to the Citadel, please."

_"Of course, Shepard. Logging you out."_

Tali, Liara, Wrex, Kaidan, and of course Anderson. She could't forget her father figure, her mentor. Her best friend. It had been two years, after all. She wondered for a moment if he had been given that spot on the Council like she had recommended all those years ago, and smiled when she remembered Miranda had told her so.

"Counselor David Anderson... has a certain ring to it." She murmured, "Bet he's having a field day with the Council."

She laughed gently, curling around her pillow, wiggling under her blankets. She wondered idly if the Citadel was any different since she last saw it. She figured it had rebuilt after Sovereign attacked, and then was subsequently destroyed after Saren's death and her actions. She drifted off sometime after she began imaging herself looking over the Presidium once more.

When she woke once again, she was greeted to the sight of a datapad beside her bed, and upon it, a message. She pushed back her hair and grabbed for it, sitting up to read the message.

_"Shepard-_

_Our scans in the Amada system have turned up something we thought you should see: the final location of the wreckage of the SSV Normandy._

_We thought this news might be important to you, but we also have an ulterior motive. The Alliance would like to honor the Normandy with a monument, to be built on the site of the ship's final resting place. We'd like to invite you to place the monument and be the first to walk on the site._

_There are still 20 crew members unaccounted for from the attack on the Normandy. If you find any signs of these lost crewmen, we ask that you report to the Alliance so that those heroes' families might find some closure._

_Godspeed to you, Commander._

_-Hackett"_

Curiousty peaked, and fear ignited, she opened the file, and dropped it upon her lap.

The photos were of the crashed Normandy SR1. Hackett had been true to his word in the message, and before her eyes was the resting place of her ship, her team... and what would have been her death bed. A snowy planet. It was another mission to complete in her long list. She coughed roughly, hiding her face in her hands.

"Of all things... for the Alliance to give me after all of this..."

She took a deep breath, pulling herself out of bed and setting the datapad alongside her computer on her desk. A few of the models she had bought were displayed, a weak smile on her face. Garrus must have been in here to set them up, and he was most likely the one to set the datapad down.

 _"Commander. Ten minutes until we hit the Citadel."_ Joker's voice announced.

"Alright. I'll get ready."

_"You alright, Shepard?"_

"...I'll be alright. We'l have somewhere to go though, once we're done here. I'll pass on the coordinates on my way out."

_"Understood. Also, give Anderson a hug for me or something, that son of a bitch needs one and I don't want to break my shoulders trying."_

Shepard laughed, "I'll tell him it's from his long lost lover, Joker."

* * *

The Citadel had rebuilt, and returned to normal. The same red-tape covered piece of crap it was, including the Council. Being told to her face that she was a liar, that the Reapers weren't real, that everything she had done was covered up and told to be a lie, made her furious. She shook her head, but at least accepted their offer of symbolic restoration of her Spectre status. It was an annoying situation, one she didn't enjoy, but she had to accept it as much as she hated it.

There was also Udina. Fucking Udina.

"Anderson... god, I'm sorry to shove you with those assholes." she finally said once Udina was gone.

"It's a job that has to be done, Commander. As much as I don't like their decisions, or all the barriers in this job."

"Better you then Udina, though. He's just..."

They silently agreed on the decision made, however, as much as it was a difficult decision and difficult position. It was good to be with Anderson again, as little as the time would be. She spent some time talking with him, before she had to leave for other business, as much as she didn't want to at the moment, bidding him goodbye. She spent some time overlooking the Presidium, sighing softly as memories forbidden flooded back to her.

This would not be the same place it once was to her.

"It's good to know the Council hasn't killed him yet."

She chuckled gently as Garrus joined her on the railing, appreciating his presence as bitter nostalgia nestled into her chest. The Presidium almost looked calm and normal, but she knew beneath its perfect skin rested corruption and lies, nothing but a false mask.

"They probably will, with how they're treating me, and humanity. Should have expected it after they scuttled me into space to wipe out pointless pockets of geth. They just wanted me gone despite everything."

"Well... you got another chance to shove the truth into their faces. Not everyone can say they got to tell the Council to 'shove it' twice in their lifetime."

"I'd rather not have to deal with another Reaper on the Citadel. Preferably, I'd like them to take their eyes off themselves and look at the damn blood being spilled across the stars."

Garrus gently patted her shoulder, knowing them words wouldn't console her angry heart. She lowered her gaze, closing her eyes as she tried to find the courage to keep going despite everything around her telling her to stop and shut up.

"It doesn't help that the next stop we have is going to hurt." she murmured.

"Hurt how?" Garrus inquired gently. Shepard rolled her shoulders, leaning somewhat into his hand.

"Hackett found the crash site, and wants me to find some dog tags for the families... and put a monument up." her voice was but a whisper, emotions choking her windpipe as she spoke them.

She could hear the deep rumbling of his subharmonics, of his hidden voice to display his shock, and then his sorrow. He came a step closer to her as she steadied her breath, her shaking hands. It would be a difficult step, one she didn't know if she was ready to take. His hand tightened somewhat on her shoulder, a reassuring grasp.

"I... want to go alone, but I'll need help with the monument."

Garrus nodded, understanding the need to be alone, staring into the wreckage of a metal tomb, the whispers of ghosts surrounding her in a place now untouched for two years. A preservation of one of the legendary ships of the past, of the resting place of her crew, and her captain, only now the captain must face the ghosts she couldn't forgive, the corpses she never got to lay to rest.

"I can help you with the monument."

"Thank you." the words were choked in the tears she kept back, the ones to never fall down her cheeks. The growing cloud in her body and mind that began the storm to build until it struck with lightning.

They stood there in silence for a while, letting the emotions settle and disperse, to let them accept that things were not the same, but very, very different. Even if they got the pieces back, the puzzle would be incomplete. Shepard would have to make a new one out of her remaining pieces, and it would be a grueling task to remake a life and a reputation she spent years building.

"The others were heading for shops down on Zakera when you headed here. I know of a pretty good place that sells good noodles, if you'd like to, what's that saying you have... 'eating your sorrow away'?"

"That saying can apply to anything from depression to sorrow to boredom... but noodles sounds good."

A small smile lit her face, and it was enough to break the shield of sorrow around her. Garrus' mandibles fluttered again, and he offered to lead the way.

"I'll show you the place as long as you pay for the meals."

"You have yourself a deal, Garrus."


	4. Memories of White and Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deeper down the rabbit hole, Commander Shepard falls, grasping for the hand that's helped through her pain and horrors when no one would ever see her as a cracked, damaged human being suffering with her pain. Memories come back with the more bitter of taste, but she has two rocks to steady her in the storm only beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit 9/23: Fixed some spelling issues, some grammar, and continuity errors once more.

The noodle shop was a hole in the wall diner-style shop tucked into a corner in Zakera, cooked up by humans, turians, and asari. The prices were decent, the food was toted as the best in Zakera, and the servers were kind. Some eyes turned to them as they walked in together, a few gasping at the sight of the Savior of the Citadel. Shepard shrugged off the attention, waving at them and chuckling gently. Garrus ordered for them quickly, the owner coming in to wave away Shepard's credit chit, saying it would be on the house for Shepard.

"I realize I'm kind of a celebrity, but the attention really isn't needed." she grumbled, thanking the waitress as she delivered drinks.

There was also something charming about this shop; an attention to small human things. Like pretty decently made old Earth drinks. It wasn't the same, though she never got too much of it due to being a colonist, but she enjoyed it nonetheless. Garrus smiled gently.

"Now don't be like that, Shepard."

"Says the turian who doesn't get poked and prodded a lot about what happened."

"Benefits of being just a crew member."

Shepard laughed. "Not just some crew member, Garrus. You shouldn't be like that. You're a stable of my team, of my life. Can't think of a life without you now, buddy."

Her words caught him off guard, fluster coming to his eyes before his mandibles fluttered, his subharmonics making her translator buzz, but she didn't care. She covered the small blush splashed on her cheeks with a quick drink, Garrus following her example. She looked over the top of her drink at him, surprised that she had caught him so off guard by the statement.

"It's true, though, Garrus. What I said."

It took him a moment to think, or perhaps get jumbled thoughts together, she couldn't tell. His subharmonics were a low buzz in her ears, not so gentle as all the other times, almost confused if it could have a sound.

"It's good to know you appreciate me for more then my looks."

She have a hearty laugh. "Oh, so now I'm just a human toting around an amazingly attractive turian who's not recognized by them?"

"That's a low blow, and you know it!"

"Says the attractive turian who oddly has no admirers." she said with a grin, taking a drink of her soda. Garrus shot her a look.

"You are a cruel woman, Shepard."

"Okay, okay," she laughed, chuckling into her hand, "he has one admirer."

That buzzing in her ears came back again, his subharmonics going wild in confusion and fluster. She blushed gently, doing not the best job in hiding it, but perhaps she didn't want to hide it.

"Can I take a wild guess who that admirer is?" he was almost cautious to ask, but Shepard nodded in approval. She set down her drink, looking into his eyes playfully, shielding her fear.

"Take a wild guess, Garrus."

"Could it be, perhaps, the celebrity before me?"

She bashfully swayed a hand, chuckling once more. "This celebrity has a good eye for looks, and I must say I am absolutely mesmerized by the turian before me. I remember how he looked before an accident he had, the most gloriously sharp plates, magnificent colony markings. But I must admit..."

She lifted her drink, raising it up in a sort of toast to him, her eyes alluring, the line between joke and truth blurring.

"...the scars he bears now upon his face as absolutely beautiful and do nothing to tarnish his glorious appeal. If anything... it makes him more appealing, more powerful."

If turians could blush, he would have right then, astonished and confused. He couldn't tell if she was joking or not, and he couldn't stop his subvocals from revealing his surprise, and his underlying emotions for his commander. He thanked the Spirits that she couldn't completely comprehend his subvocals. He raised his glass once more, pushing his fluster back, trying to bring back the suave persona he tried to bring out.

"Commander Shepard. Savior of the Citadel, a master at compliments... you flatter me, almost too much."

"Well you deserve the admiration, Garrus."

They settled back into a comfortable position, casually talking and joking, digging into their meals as they arrived, questioning each other's meals. Shepard sampled some of his despite the scared gasps from around them, looking over her shoulder as she swallowed audibly and watched everyone's faces turn from horrified to amazed at the sight of a human eating dextro food without dying. Segwaying from that public fiasco, Shepard and Garrus wrapped up their meal and left with some fanfare, but it was luckily swayed away by some C-Sec. Returning to the ship, she leaned into Garrus for a moment, smiling happily.

"Such a good meal. Thanks to taking me here."

"Of course, Shepard. Honestly, it was nice to have something other then the crap Gardner serves."

"Don't worry. Tomorrow I'm doing some shopping before we leave, so I'll pick up some things so you aren't eating the crap he makes with what Cerberus gave him."

"That's honestly the best news I've heard, behind of course what you said earlier."

Shepard hid her blush well this time, nudging him with an elbow. Her silver eyes looked up at his blue, glittering like metal and shimmering with happiness.

"What? That I think you look good?"

"It's a good ego boost to know that you don't find me disgusting."

"Garrus, I've said it before on the original Normandy and I will say it again here. I honestly really do like the way you look. Turians just have a lot of appeal to me. You, however... you get first place."

Garrus nudged her this time as they boarded the Normandy, drawing some eyes as they walked in together. He chuckled as they passed Kelly, who gave them an odd look.

"I feel even more honored, Shepard. You flatter me so much."

Shepard laughed harshly as the elevator closed. "Shut your scarred mouth, Garrus, before I find some way to rip that pride out of you, you dinosaur."

"You started it, Shepard. Nothing we can do now."

"Heh... right you are, Garrus."

* * *

The last day of their leave on the Citadel was a bit of a wild one, seeing as after shopping and amusement, the crew had gathered down to watch the Commander practice her biotics. While she was known as an amazing fighter with guns and her fists, her biotics had always been buried under her accomplishments. She had been toted as the most powerful biotic human in her youth, and she rarely got a real chance to show them, even though in battle they were one of her best assets. The crew piled up on boxes, on whatever they could sit on, and watched in awe.

During the years, she had developed her own tricks and gaudy moves she could attempt with her biotics. Developing her skills easily, being able to do several things at once, focusing on multiple targets with ease.

Garrus stood guard as her spotter as she lifted boxes as a singularity developed before her, growing in size until she let it burn before it, taking her boxes into its clutches until it exploded, sending the empty splintered remains across the holding bay, sending a few people in the stands down into cover. She chuckled once it calmed, her body shimmering in brilliant biotic blue. She turned to Garrus, her smile infectious.

"Shall we go for the Firebird?"

"The Firebird?" he questioned, his memory rusty even on that one.

"You know, the one I jokingly called the Archangel back on the old Normandy. The thing I did on a drunken bet against Kaidan to prove to him I was a 'real' biotic, and ended up slamming him into the back of the cargo bay?"

"Do you... _really_ want to do that one again? You sent Kaidan flying, yes, but you also sent the Mako flying right into Ash and Wrex, and nearly broke both of her legs."

"There's no Mako this time."

He shook his head, but gave her a seal of approval on the idea of doing her best maneuver, her strongest ability. She gave him a wide, gleaming grin, a playful flash of teeth, before stepping up once more.

She looked around for a moment as her crowd brooded, waiting for her to start again. She moved a few boxes before her, stepping back a ways. She took a deep breath.

"Alright, after this last practice, back to work people, alright?" she called out, earning calls of approval. She steadied her feet, "Also a warning... you may want to find cover."

She was going to try after a long absence. He nodded and moved behind her, touching her shoulder as he passed. He would be all she had for safety on this one. Everyone's eyes were glued to her and Garrus.

"You're clear, Shepard. Send up the Firebird." Garrus called out, drawing confused murmurs and questions. Shepard laughed, amazed that he remembered that from the few times they had tried this maneuver. She could see Joker in the back, giggling to himself.

She steadied herself, finding herself fidgeting. Two deep breaths, a silent countdown as biotic energy crackled around her. She could hear the silent squeaks of chair moving, people leaning closer to watch her. A third inhale, her biotics sucked in close to her, as if her own power was awaiting its exhale. Her eyes opened, lazing in brilliantly bright blue to a shocked crowd. A wild blast of biotics blasted from her feet, throwing the boxes she had set before her flying several feet, a raging widlfire encircling her in random directions, in random paths. She blinked, and another wave flowed through it, throwing around stray papers and pieces of wood, a blinding lightshow of pure biotics. It bared resemblance to the hottest point in a blazing fire, wrapping around her like rippling waves of water. She glowed in her powerful biotics, slowly kneeling down as she readied her wings, readied her body for the flight it was about to take. Her crew leaned in even closer, straining to see through the wild show.

She leaped into the air, much like an asari would push themselves forward with a boost of their biotics, but she did not fall, nor did she simply move forward. She shot straight up, and hovered like the swiftest hummingbird. She swayed from side to side gently, balancing herself in the air as if she were a bird in flight, pausing as if time had been stopped. The audience gasped in fear, and in absolute astonishment at the display, unable to believe their eyes as their commander showed the air that it was her domain.

Garrus took a step back, his eyes focused on her, the little movements of her back and shoulders. He was preparing, and everyone knew it, but preparing for what remained an unanswered question, save for Joker. Blazing eyes of the biotic firebird looked upon her pointing, gasping crew, a smile upon her lips. Graceful legs began to lift as her arms moved in a large arch arch, the phantom image of feathers and wings following after her pointed index fingers. Her hawk like smile grew, letting the anticipation grow to near explosive heights.

She flung her arms high above her head, one leg shooting to be outstretched, much like a swooping bird of prey would on its descent, her magic trick appearing before their eyes. Stretching around above her head were wings of blue fire, of the raw, passionate power she held within her body, her biotic's true form. Wings of strength and freedom, they spread themselves to show the glory that was Shepard's Firebird. Her hair wildly flew around her face, a wild woman in her animal form.

With a wild cry, her arms came down in a cutting motion, crossing as her wings followed them, launching out from her body like a Shockwave, hitting the floor of the cargo bay like a Slam combined with a Singularity, blasting into the metal floor, sending boxes flying, including some crew members improperly connected to whatever they held onto for shelter. Shepard went flying back from the blast, spinning in the air blind. Garrus moved to meet her as she fell, crouching as she fell into his arms, safely in his grasp as she landed with a gasp of air, her hair skirting the floor before the turian could stand proper. She groaned gently as she came to once her biotics had calmed down, her heavenly blue glow dying away as her grey eyes surveyed Garrus' face, a smile back on her lips as she was set on her feet, raising a fist, chuckling as his met hers in a fist bump.

A successful deployment of the Firebird.

The crew, now settled after the wild blast, went wild like a crowd at a human concert, hooting and hollering at the brilliant display of power, control, beauty, poise, and deadly precision. She waved much of the fanfare off like it was nothing, as if what she had just performed was a common act done by any common biotic, though she did concede that it was something that took her a while to perfect. Although it was, at first, a act of stupidity and pride, it has become a tool, a weapon, and a reminder to her. She gave Joker, the smug bastard still sitting proudly on his box in the back, a sharp look to curb his words; it didn't work in the slightest.

"Shepard, the Firebird! The Archangel! That girl who slammed a biotic into sheet metal and lodged him in there for nearly four hours! I will never let you live that one down."

"Joker. Kindly shut the fuck up." she jokingly replied with a shit-eating smirk, taping his knee.

"Oh yes, ma'am, Commander. I will kindly shut the fuck up once I say it again: _THE FIREBIRRRD_."

She rolled her eyes, hitting his knee and making him groan. She knew it would rattle him but not break his kneecap, giggling as he death glared her. She got him to be quiet.

"Firebird."

"Call me that in public, and I will break your kneecaps, Joker."

He smiled widely regardless of the threat. "I will remember that just like you told me all the times before, Firebird Shepard."

* * *

Returning to the silence and quiet beauty of space, they left with some haste from the Citadel now that all their current jobs on there were completed. They would come back from time to time of course, but for now, they were off to their next mission. She spent a little more time in the cargo bay, practicing her common biotics tricks by herself until she had to relax, eat something, and prepare for the mission on Alchera. She took her calorie heavy meal up to her cabin, locked the door, poured a glass of wine, and took the silence into her.

Seeing the remains of her ship, her original Normandy, and face the ghosts of the past she had to leave behind, the two years she spent in limbo as people moved on, mourned, changed, and rebelled. She couldn't imagine what she would find, what would remain after two years on an ice planet, but who knows. If her body could survive, what else could? Her meal was quickly consumed, her glass emptied, and her mind at least a little more clear. She set back toward the mess, thanking Gardner for another good meal, and took the offered cup of Grade A turian hot chocolate. He did offer another cup, obviously seeing where she was going, and took the cup and headed for the Main Battery, the door sliding open with ease.

"Hey, Garrus... time to shut down the calibrations for now."

Garrus sighed as he continued typing, Shepard coming up beside him as he finished a long line of codes and calibrations before shutting down his terminal, turning to her as she handed off the cup of steaming liquid.

"Thanks. You know, it doesn't feel like it's time to rest."

"Agreed, but apparently it is. We should be at Alchera by the morning." she took a sip of her drink, settling into her spot beside him, leaning on the console.

They stood there in silence, drinking their hot chocolates in peace. Shepard was tense, obviously dreading and fearing the coming mission. It was something she wasn't entirely ready to bear, the cold truth of where her grave had been. She leaned into him, quietly and gently, sighing a heavy breath as she set her cup down. Garrus' arm silently wrapped around her, his hand on her hip a grateful warmth.

"I'll be waiting with the monument. There's also Joker if you need any support tomorrow."

"...I know I will. Can you tell him? I... need to get some sleep before this all goes down."

"I'll make sure he knows to prepare. Do you.. want me to help you to the elevator?"

She shook her head, her hand tightening on his fatigues. He collected up her cup as she moved further into the Battery, spotting his cot nestled among the machinery. He knew then she didn't plan to return to her cabin, and set out to return their cups before returning to the sight of Shepard zipping out of the Main Battery.

"I'll be back. Grabbing a blanket."

He was quick, grabbing one of her wrists before she moved any further. She stutter stepped but looked back at him with exhausted eyes.

"I have a few tucked away in there, surprisingly. It can get chilly back there, even though its a gun."

She nodded numbly, moving back with him into his little nook. She slipped off her boots, but otherwise stayed clothed as he mirrored her, climbing into his cot, adjusting himself on the wide padding. Shepard stood awkwardly for a moment, waiting for him to find a comfortable spot. She had done this before, hiding away in one of the darker corners for comfort. As he settled, he met her eyes, and through his gaze gave her permission, his human commander barely hesitating before joining him on the now crowded cot, curling and cuddling into his shoulder like a child. It was his turn now to let her settle, watching her Commander persona crumble into the pain and terror and fear she hid underneath that powerful mask, something he had seen two other times. After Virmire was the worst, losing her cool in the Cargo Bay before collapsing into tears, only comforted by him as she had let it out all late into the ship's nighttime. She ended up crying herself to sleep in his arms before he took her to her cabin. The other time was after the Battle of the Citadel, after the dust had mostly settled.

"It'll be okay, Shepard." he promised, pushing back a swath of her hair from her face. She took a shaky breath, blinking back tears in a futile attempt to keep some sort of strong mask on.

"Will it really be okay, Garrus?"

He was silent for a moment before gently touching her face, brushing away a few of her tears before pulling their blanket up over them, nodding gently.

"It will be, Katherine. You can do this. Let's give our late crew members one last goodbye."

She let a sob slip through her lips, nodding gently. She took hold of the hand on her face. It may not be done, the mission, her job, but this break was a just enough time to let her tears flow, to let her pain come alive. There were only four people in the entire universe to see her in such a state, in a state of woe and heartbreak. Two were alive, two were dead. Two she had to bury and mourn as she flew off in an Alliance shuttle off her burning colony, the only parents she ever had. The other two were back in her life after two years of death. One was piloting her beautiful ship.

The other was witnessing her breakdown once again.

"Okay." her voice was meek, choked in her tears, but it was enough. He brought her close, letting the ship around them fade. Letting their ranks fade for the night.

It was not Shepard and Vakarian; simply Garrus and Katherine.

"Get some sleep, Kat. I'm right here whenever you need me."

He would make sure she made it to sleep without issue, that she was guarded from the responsibilities tied to her now. This was her moment to unwind completely and let herself spill every weight on her shoulders. She nodded gently before letting her eyes flutter close, her hands clinging to her shirt as she sought the ever tricky escape of sleep. Sleep called for him as well, and he had to heed its call, letting his eyes rest, comforting his best friend into the dead of their night.

* * *

Shepard could feel the change in her bed as she slowly came out of her sleep, that she had been moved last night. If she knew Garrus, she had been returned to her cabin. She slowly opened her eyes, met with the sight of her ruffled sheets. Groaning softly, knowing what the day brought, she slowly drew herself into a sitting position, pushing back her hair over her shoulder, looking around and catching her eyes on everything. Her empty fish tank, her blinking terminal, Garrus on her couch, her scattered datapads-

Garrus.

Had he fallen asleep in here after returning her? Oddly enough, she smiled at the sight of him sleeping on her couch, a thin blanket draped over his sleeping form. She shimmied herself off her bed, flexing her stiff joints before tiptoeing over to him, tracing a line on his visible mandibles. As she drew to an end to her curious explorations, she was met with shining blue eyes. He groaned lightly as he sat up.

"Good morning, sleepy." she told him, looking sleepy herself. He looked at her almost worryingly, but seeing her smile seemed to calm him.

"Good morning. Feeling better?"

She nodded, her smile warming up. "Better. Thanks for... letting me sleep with you, and everything again. For taking care of me when I fell."

"It was nothing, Katherine."

"It is everything. No one can simply boast they truly know how Command Shepard feels. Now... we have to get ready. Big day today. I'm going to shower, get dressed, while you do the same and get us some coffee in the mess, okay?"

He nodded in approval, standing and stretching his knotted muscles, mandibles fluttering as she gave a lingering look, pausing the doorway of her bathroom.

"It's weird, to hear my first name again... but it helps a lot, Garrus. Keeps me grounded. Don't get used to using it too much outside of private doors, okay?"

"Of course. We don't want people assuming things." he gave another turian smile before leaving with a wave. She stood there in the doorway until her door sealed shut, giving a sad looking toward its direction.

His statement, wanting no assumptions on their relationship... did he mean to avoid the obvious questions people would pose? If they were in a romantic relationship, going 'steady' with each other? She could understand it, and would accept it as she still was his Commander. Appearances had to be kept, they had to be professional, but she found herself questioning the rules.

"I... honestly wouldn't mind it." she found herself admitting before slipping into her bathroom to do as she planned, making sure her shower was as hot as it could without scalding her skin off, to take her mind off of the burn from his statement.

She pushed it back into her mind, forgetting about it near immediately, pushing it back now rationally thinking. She understood his statement, walking into the mess as she pinned up her hair, happily accepting the cup of coffee handed to her by Garrus. The crew had gathered, some for breakfast, and some with the solemn expression expected of them as they approached Alchera. She spied Miranda in the far back of gathered crew, trying to avoid her eyes. Jacob was silent in his seat, keeping to himself unlike other mornings. She knew what had to be done.

"I'm assuming from how many there are of you here that you know where we are this morning."

She expected no answer, and she was appreciative of the silence. She turned to her crew, coffee still in hand.

"For those who are unfamiliar with this planet, this is Alchera. The original Normandy was destroyed by the Collectors in the orbit of this planet, and the crash site lies on its surface. The Alliance reached out to me saying they found the crash site and has asked of us to collect dog tags they believe are still at the site, as well as place a monument there."

She let the silence grow as she drank more of her coffee, her fingers tapping along the ceramic cup. Another breath, a calming look from Garrus, a gentle smile from Jacob.

"I'll be going down to search for the dog tags, and I'll have a few people help with the monument so we can get it in place properly. Otherwise... we don't have really anything on our agenda. We may get in another dossier but otherwise, this is the sole mission today."

She finished off her cup with a flourish, slamming it back like a shot and returning it to Gardner before smiling. The crew had their tense bubble popped, all returning her gracious smile with one of their own.

"Let's get to work. It may be a rough day, but we can get through it."

The rest of the morning went smooth, crew finishing up their morning rations and getting to their stations with a little pep in their step. The cold reminder of Alchera still lingered of course, but they seemed to respect Shepard's need for a normal day, a normal routine. They respected her silent wishes, and simply gave her the silent reminder that they were here for her. Joker brought them in close as she finished suiting up in the cargo bay, stepping into the shuttle by herself, looking back at Garrus. She smiled even though it was hidden by the visor of her helmet, reminding herself she had support, and set off for the crash site of the Normandy SR-1.

Alchera was silent as she touched down into the snowy crash site, her eyes catching the visible parts sticking out of the ground. The name of of her ship plastered against torn apart plating. The Mako sitting virtually untouched in a snow mound, and various sections of her ship thrown around in the semi circular remains of a great legend. The sparkle of dog tags in the snow were everywhere. A memory flashed before her eyes, the day she was given command of this vessel. A joint work of turians and humans, a torch to mark the two's relationship despite the pain and scars of the First Contact War lingering. Anderson was the one to pass her the torch as Commander, the one to announce her command of this vessel so warmly called 'Normandy'.

Opening her eyes, letting out a breath, she was back on Alchera, watching her destroyed ship sink under the winds of the snow. She took a breath, and braved forward toward her past.

Collecting the dog tags scattered around the area was easy save for four which were oddly packed under broken boxes. As she picked up the last one, keeping calm as the twenty tags clinked against one another, she looked upon the wreckage she stood inside. She could recognize it immediately, a part of the second deck, part of the mess hall. Her heart stuttered, and she closed her eyes again, reliving the past once more, the flash of Ashley behind her eyes. She took a breath, refusing to go down that route, opening them again. She stepped back, smiling painfully and turning her back on it once more.

She walked back to the detached section of the cockpit, walking through the torn away chairs, and Joker's abandoned chair. Running her hands over the frozen cracked leather, she couldn't help but look back to that last day, when the Collectors had cornered them. The day she chose Joker's life over her own.

"Garrus..."

Her radio crackled gently before an answer came to her, but she didn't mind. She quietly brought herself out into the snow once more, sitting herself in one of the banks.

"Want us to bring the monument down now, Shepard?"

"If you could... and bring Joker with you."

She watched the shuttle lift from the ground, throwing snow around before lifting off toward the orbiting ship. Shepard sighed softly, curling up into herself there in the snow before the last place she remembered being in before her death, the tomb meant for Joker that was given graciously to her by their attackers. The burning through her limbs as she was shot out into space violently, the rush of panic as her oxygen line had been cut, spinning into the dead silence of space with nothing but decaying memories on her mind before the universe disappeared into flames around her. Haunted by the ghosts of the pasts, the memories that lingered in each and every spot she could get to, Shepard let them surround her, choke her of her air, reminding her that they would follow her forever.

She had failed them like she had failed Mindoir, her team on Akuze... and now the Normandy's fall was on her shoulders.

She looked up as the shuttle came back, seeing the sheen of the monument as the doors opened, Garrus coming out immediately, followed slowly by Joker. She smiled a little at how funny he looked, but she was glad he was here. She stood once more, walking over to them, happy that her helmet hid most of her face. They met her halfway, Joker coming up first with arms open. She immediately meeting Joker's hug, taking a shaky breath before doing the same with Garrus. She looked to the monument, taking a breath before letting her biotics light up, moving it slowly to the place she had been sitting, right before the cockpit. She set it down slowly, the others joining her before it. Silence reigned as memories passed through them, unable to stop the pain of the loss that surrounded them.

"If you want to look, the cockpit is just inside there." she found herself say, helping Joker along into the empty and broken space, Garrus close behind. She let her precious pilot go as he came to his old chair, running his hands over it.

"Right here. It was right here, when you were spaced. I broke parts of my arm, and bruised a rib getting into the escape pod." Joker recounted bitterly, "And we could do nothing except watch you spin in space, trying to breathe."

Shepard came up beside him, gently hugging him again. "I remember seeing your pod. I'm just glad I didn't lose you there."

Garrus came up slowly behind her, a hand on her shoulder again. She broke apart, sobbing inside her helmet, holding onto her two pillars, the only remaining family she truly had at the moment, mourning for her crew, her ship, and her old life.

There they stood, in the skeletal remains of the cockpit of the Normandy SR-1, until she could control her emotions, control her tears. They gave one last salute to the old girl, one last goodbye to the dead and the lost, and returned to the new Normandy.

"Thanks Shepard, for letting me out here." Joker finally said as they approached the Normandy. Shepard took one of his hands into hers, taking off her helmet with the other.

"I figured you would want to say goodbye too."

Garrus took the other hand without question, her smile turned to him next.

"Thank you for coming back, Shepard."

"No... thank you for coming back, Garrus. I didn't want to lose anymore people."


	5. Steel Grey Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit 9/23: More edits to fix grammar and typos, as well as a few small continuity issues!

The crew was silent as Shepard, Garrus, and Joker returned to the ship, few looking toward them in respect as they returned to their posts in silence, sealing themselves off from conversation, interaction. The time on Alchera, the effect that seeing the crash site had, was impossible to ignore. The silence and evident pain continued on as they left the system, and returned to a routine trip around planets to harvest minerals and element zero for research projects. The ship on autopilot, the trio of original members moved from their posts to the only place on the ship with a bar, taking different places and patching their wounds with old stories of the Normandy SR-1, and the adventures Garrus and Joker took during Shepard's absence.

It was a moment of healing for them, gathering back their strength after letting it all go in that last goodbye. It gave them a moment of peace, of gentle kindness in the midst of a war against an enemy ripping them apart.

Though the yearning for the others, for the chance to see them again... it lingered regardless of their attempts. They would do their best to get the rest, no matter what. It was hard enough saying goodbye to so many, but to lose the ones still alive would burn in her chest forever if she failed to find them in time.

They finished their healing session with some drinks, and returned to their jobs with the agreement of seeking out their old friends and fixing the mistakes of the past. Back to work, back to scrapping together a crew, build a plan to defeat the Collectors, and along the way discover the way to dump Cerberus. There were two more dossier left from the Illusive Man for now, and it had them on the hunt for another krogan. She would have preferred Wrex over any krogan any day, but like many of her crew, he was simply unavailable to be pulled into her mission. They were quickly amassing supplies for upgrades, and as they finished mining the last planet on her current list, Shepard gets Joker and the Normandy moving toward the Dr. Okeer, her Warlord Krogan recommended to her, putting them on the planet Korlus.

As they hit the Mass Relay, Shepard took another trip to the cargo bay, aiming her lingering sorrow at a makeshift punching bag as she landed punches in quick succession, sending her legs high up to kick the flailing bag until she was forced to steady it or send it flying. Taking a moment to breathe, she stepped back and stared at her punching bag. The patchwork cloth shifted, changing before her. She hissed as Saren took its place, grinning at her. His voice echoed in her head like church bells, the ringing signalling her descent into hell as the indoctrinated turian reached to meet her halfway.

_"Look at how are you've come to joining me, Shepard. Not much longer, and we can be monsters together."_

She roared out, sending a wildly wound up right hook into the defenseless punching bag, her biotics supporting her hit, sending it wildly flying in pieces across the cargo bay. As the few people moving things around her stopped to stare and then quickly clean, Shepard stepped back once again, staring at her now bleeding fist. The lines of cybernetics glowed under her bindings, even though they were nearly all black. She growled, pushing back her hair, and made a dash for the elevator before the mission, straight to her cabin where she sat underneath the spray of her shower, and rubbed her eyes.

_"Cerberus has done a lovely job on you, Shepard. You almost glow like them."_

"Shut up."

Was she going slowly mad? Would these cybernetics turn her into her enemy, the man who looked for human dominance in the universe? She touched her face, knowing the ugly scars of her unhealed face rested there, the ugly glowing forever shining through her skin and muscles. His whispers continued, the crawling sensation of his claws on her shoulders growing stronger.

_"Imagine it, Commander. The greatest Spectres in the universe, hand in hand, watching the universe burn because we joined one another."_

"Shut up."

_"You will fall to them as I did, Katherine Shepard. You cannot deny the attraction of the Reapers, and my charm."_

"You are not the turian I hold in my heart, and you will never earn that honor, Saren. Just go the fuck away already, I'm sick and fucking tired of your pointless attempts to convince me!"

Her words tamed the demons and sent them running, knowing that these specters would not sway her, would not change her. She almost had a time with Nihlus, but lost him to Saren soon after. Saren simply had played with her mind, slipping through her defenses through newly forged cracks. She had almost given in, but her only turian kept her steady. Despite the attempts of indoctrination, and all the promises, she didn't let him take her. The water was beginning to turn cold, signalling the end of her pain and the pointless shower at last. Turning it off, she shuffled out nude and wet, grabbing for a pair of panties and slipping into her combat shorts, dressing for the next mission just as Joker chimed in to tell her they were approaching the Blue Suns camp Okeer squatted in that moment.

"You're sitting out again, Miranda. Any issues?" she stated as she adjusted her gloves, Garrus following Jacob into the shuttle as they approached their landing point.

"Nothing, Commander."

"When we head for Jack, you're coming along. We're going against krogan here, so we're limiting biotics for this one. Got that, Jacob?"

"Of course, Commander. I'll stick to my shotgun."

"You'll need it." Garrus mentioned, drawing a little smile from Shepard.

"We'll be back with a krogan!"

* * *

"Well... we came back with a krogan."

Shepard stood before the tank Okeer had left behind for them, claiming he had engineered the perfect soldier, the purest krogan from the greatest lineage that were available. Garrus gave a rumbling noise from both his subharmonics and his voice, amused and concerned for what rested behind the frosted glass.

Miranda and Jacob were having a lover's quarrel somewhere on the ship, even though she encouraged peace between them. There wasn't much they could do when their krogan was killed by nerve gas and all that was left was one tank krogan and a lot of bodies. Garrus and Shepard stood there for a while looking at the tank in its new home on the Engineering deck, tilting their heads as they were observing. They stood there in silence for a while, just contemplating what to do with the krogan in the tank.

"It was interesting to see Rana again."

Shepard nodded. "Seems though she didn't get the message of 'stay clear of crazy scientists involved with krogans'."

"She didn't get that message in the slightest."

Another long pause wrapped around them as they continued to keep eyes on the tank, still contemplating what to do with the krogan within. Finally, Shepard stepped forward, touching the tank's console, the only thing standing between her and the krogan with the exception of the turian behind her. She put a hand against the frosted glass, smiling as her hands returned to the console.

"I'm going to let the krogan out."

She turned to Garrus as she hovered over the keys, nodding gently to assure him she would be alright. She knew he was hesitant but she also knew he believed she could handle a brand new krogan with no issue. They had taken on Rachni, Geth, and Reapers before. Not a single krogan had a chance at taking down Commander Shepard. He also was planning ahead as he slipped out of the room for his own safety. Shepard versus a krogan would be a wild thing, and the last thing that needed to happen was for her to hurt him in some way.

 _"Are you sure, Shepard?"_ EDI asked as she hovered over the keys, _"We do not know how he will react, and more likely then not, he will be violent."_

"I'm sure, EDI. It would be a waste keeping him in here, and we need the help, even if it's a young, violent super soldier krogan. I'm going to open it."

A few keystrokes had the tank humming and firing up, the glass clearing so she could see the krogan better, stepping back just in case he busted through the glass. He was slow to wake, the fluids within draining, the glass cover opening for him as he slid forward onto his knees. He seemed to take a moment to get his bearings, coughing up whatever fluid had gotten into his lungs before murder filled his eyes, and he roared forward, taking her and slamming her to the back of the room, his meaty arm pinning her there by the neck. She didn't fight immediately, her biotics shimmering around her as he spoke.

"Human, female. Before you die, I need a name."

Straight to the point. It worked for Shepard as she gave him a cruel smile.

"You sure you don't want mine?"

"No." he voice was gravelly, perhaps it would change, or it would not seeing as he was krogan. His eyes spoke no kindness, spitting instead fury and ferocity, "I am trained, I know things, but the tank... Okeer couldn't implant connection. His words are hollow."

She figured as much. Genetic engineering couldn't truly implant imprints or connections, communication and interaction needed for such things. He seemed to think, recall memories before he spoke again.

"Legacy, warlord, grunt... grunt. 'Grunt' was among the last. It has no meaning. It'll do."

He faced her completely, now with a name of his own, his fury pointed now completely at her. This challenge was amusing, though she didn't appreciate the bruising push of his arm against her throat.

"I am Grunt. If you are worthy of your command, prove your strength and try to destroy me."

"That's a dangerous thing to say to me, whelp." she growled softly, her biotics shining before she calmly spoke once more. "I'd rather not throw you through your tank."

"Your words mean nothing, human. If you will not prove it physically, I will not hesitate to take you out. I know how to kill you easily. How to break your spine, the shortest path to your organs. Your biotics will not save you from me."

She smiled once again. "We have worthy foes for you to fight, Grunt. Fighting me will earn you nothing but gunfire and death from my crew. They will not hesitate to slaughter you and splatter your blood across the floor. Join me, and you'll have more then enough people to rip apart and kill. I have a few on the ship I may even let you get your hands on. Besides, you aren't in the position to fight anyway."

"Huh?"

His eyes finally moved down, spotting her M-5 Phalanx pressed against his chest, her finger hovering over the trigger. Her biotics sparked again in warning. He let out a laugh before stepping back, letting her go. She stretched her bruising neck as he seemed to smirk back at her.

"Offer one hand, and arm the other. A good tactic. You've proven yourself a fine battlemaster. What are you called?"

She rubbed her throat before speaking, putting her pistol back into her thigh holster. "Commander Shepard. Just call me Shepard."

"Shepard, then. I will stay here, but first, tell me of these endless enemies. I'd like to know what I would be aiming for when I am on the battlefield."

"Gladly, Grunt. Welcome to the crew. I'll fill you in on the ship, the mission, and all the enemies you get to kill, buddy."

He gave a dark, but excited chuckle, reminding her of Wrex's excitement back during the hunt for Saren. It almost felt like she had a missing piece filled in. Grunt may not be a Wrex, but damned if he didn't come close.

* * *

Shepard had reports, datapads full of Alliance reports and movements, Cerberus personnel files, her last dossier, a holographic star chart of the universe, and a plate with decent mozzarella sticks around her, the information spread out on the floor of her cabin. She flipped through an Alliance report, a statement including several approved missions in various places, before setting it down and entering the data into a file in her omni tool. She was attempting to avoid Alliance patrols and cameras, knowing that the ugly Cerberus symbols would be targets immediately regardless of what Admiral Hackett said. She was in a terrorist-allied copy of the Normandy.

Her door shuttered open, and her eyes were drawn to Garrus walking in with two steaming mugs, drawing a relieved sigh from the Commander as he handed her a cup, her eyes sparkling at the sight of the contents.

"Tiny marshmallows!"

Garrus' duel toned voice showed his happiness at her excitement. "Gardner ordered them apparently, told me you'd like them."

"Marshmallows and hot cocoa is such a great combo," she cried, before taking a deep drink, sighing as she set it down, a chocolate mustache on her upper lip as she plucks a marshmallow from her cup, "So good and warm and sweet."

"Those things look weird. How are those tasty?" Garrus asked, sitting down on his couch, avoiding stepping on her work. She raised the plucked up marshmallow.

"Marshmallows? They're fluffy, and don't taste like much. We should see if we could get dextro marshmallows!"

"I don't know about that one, Shepard."

She chuckled and set her mug down, picking up another datapad, flipping through the information, setting it into the pile of sorted data. Another drink, another datapad, a growing pile of finished and discarded pads filled with notes.

"Hand me that dossier on the table, please."

She shoved another mozzarella stick into her mouth as Garrus tossed her the dossier, munching on it and swallowing before looking at it, taking a drink.

"Jack. Why do I have a feeling this isn't going to be simple at all, especially if we're dealing with the Blue Suns again."

"Again?" Garrus asked, her subharmonics buzzing in her eyes in a way Shepard could tell was annoyance, "What are we doing to get Jack?"

She flipped through the info with a touch of a finger, scrutinizing the information for a moment. "We have to go get Jack through the Blue Suns on a maximum security prison called Purgatory. Cerberus is paying for his transfer to us. Like I said, I know something is going to go wrong. It also says Jack is a immensely powerful biotic."

"You may actually have someone to rival you now." His face spelled out his smugness as she tossed a dead datapad at his head, the turian ducking out of the way as it hit the glass guarding her small office and bounced onto the couch. She growled at him, drawing a chuckle from the turian once again.

"In all seriousness though, Shepard, do you think this is a good idea at all? Handing money into the hands of the Blue Suns for this person just because the Illusive Man said so?"

Shepard's scowl shuddered, disappearing into a mask of steel. He couldn't miss that split second though that defeat almost crossed her eyes, the weight of the world around her crashing down. How helpless she was with a Cerberus crew, a Cerberus mission, and a Cerberus-built body.

"I can't do anything about it...why do you think I'm studying Alliance comms and messages? I can't be around them anymore. If they spot us, they'll be ordered to shoot to kill. I'm a fucking leashed dog in this situation, with just a lot of fucking slack on it."

She tossed the datapad she had been holding into the pile before her, running her hands through her hair as she growled again.

"It doesn't help that I'm hallucinating now and it's fucking horrible do hear and see Saren and-"

She hadn't expected to ramble, nor did she expect the feeling of the turian before her taking her from the pile around her, pull her to her feet, and hold her close, his talons tight around the small of her back, comforting her seemingly in the only way she knew would help her. The commander mask broke wide open as his subharmonics hummed in a way she so clearly understood. The soft warbling and sounds of a friend, of her rock in this turbulent universe.

A last hand reaching out as she tumbled downward into the endless expanse of death and insanity.

She took that time there, in Garrus' comforting arms and hold, and broke down as she let her pain and fears come alive. She needed to let this cork fly out so she didn't let it boil over. He didn't say a thing, simply rubbing her back and keeping her together as she broke apart for this moment.

It took an hour for her to collect herself and put back her strong face and fearless personality, cleaning up the mess of her work together. She kept close to Garrus until she called finally the end of the day. Garrus did worry for her, especially with the mention of hallucinations. She promised to talk with Chakwas in the morning and bid him goodnight. She took a shower, sitting on the floor and letting it pour down her back and face. She shuddered as the bathroom turned cold.

Hallucinations. It was either Saren or what she believed was what she truly was with her glowing cybernetics.

She had a long day tomorrow. She had Jack to obtain.

"Do you see now, Saren... who I choose?"

Her smile was seen in the dark as she turned off the shower, and struggled to drag her naked, sore body into her bed. His wicked eyes stared into her as she curled around a pillow and snuggled into the blankets.

_"He will die just like Nihlus, just like Ashley Williams. Watch and marvel at the Reapers as they take everything from you, Commander."_


	6. Crimson Visions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edit 9/23: Some pretty decent edits were made here to fix up certain details that didn't make sense. A lot of the fixes were continuity errors and now the chapter should run more smoothly.

Thankfully her hallucinations didn't greet her in the morning, especially during her normal morning ritual of checking her pulse and making sure her normal civvies were in working order. She didn't bother tying her hair up or doing really anything with it besides making it look better then the bedhead she had. She didn't even run a brush through it, knowing she would spend an awful amount of time just getting through knots. She would have to do it when the missions were done.

She took her coffee as per usual, pausing before her first cup to look into Chakwas' office. She had promised Garrus she would visit her to understand why she was having hallucinations, as much as she loathed the tongue lashing she would get for allowing something like this to continue for so long. She set her cup down, asking Gardner to hold it for her, and entered the med bay to a surprised Chakwas.

"Commander. How are doing this morning?"

"Alright. I need your help though for something."

Chakwas set down her cup of coffee, a look of motherly worry coming to her time-worn face. "What seems to be the problem, Shepard?"

The Commander sighed, sitting herself on one of the gurneys, folding her hands in her lap before setting them besides her.

"I've been having some issues that keep on persisting. Nothing physical, just... something I really don't need at this moment."

"If you don't actually tell me what it is, I can't help you, Shepard." Chakwas scolded.

"I've been having vivid visual and auditory hallucinations, Karin... hallucinations of myself as this.. this cybernetic monster. Hallucinations of Saren, of fucks sake."

Chakwas hummed for a moment, standing up to face Shepard with a worried look. She gently took hold of her commander's face, looking at the faint lines of her cybernetics, dropping her hands and picking up a notepad. She was in full doctor mode immediately, a worried look seemingly permanent on her face. A few buttons were tapped, and the door was locked. A few eyes looked toward the windows but soon disengaged.

"When did these start, and did they start as auditory or visual?"

Shepard took a breath, drawing one leg up to her chest, staring at the opposite wall.

"Auditory. It started just after getting Garrus. It was whispers, hisses... some voices I recognized, some I didn't. Some were memories. A few days later, they became visual. Dead crew members, old enemies, Saren... Saren has been showing up now more then the others."

Chakwas continued to let Shepard speak of her experiences. Shepard's voice softened, taking on an almost haunting quality as she recounted the recent past, drawing her other leg up to her chest.

"Saren likes to appear when I'm vulnerable. When I'm in my cabin, when I'm alone in cargo. He loves to thank Cerberus, loves to compare me to him. How I'm just another cog in the synthetic journey to complete control. He likes to think I'll be just like him, and we'll rule as half synthetic gods over the universe. He points out my scars, the cybernetics, the lack of compassion in my words now.

"He loves to remind me that by the end, I'll have no one. That once I'm done here, they'll be all gone. That the universe will take and take and take from me. It took Nihlus, it took Ash... and it'll take Garrus. Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he was right."

Chakwas looked up from her notes, seeing the exhaustion already covering her face, the pain and horrors clinging to her. She gently touched of her hands, holding it for a moment.

"Shepard... you know better then any of us that this universe is messed up, but I know better then you that you are one of the best things to come out of that universe. Now, I think I have a theory for why these hallucinations are happening."

"I'm just crazy now, Karin?" Shepard chuckled, pushing her hair out of her face. The good doctor chuckled softly.

"Not crazy at all, dear. It's possible that the early wake up you had did more then we thought. Your visible cybernetics and scars were only one of the things that resulted in the early wake. It could be a possible form of Parkinson's or what we would call a Migraine coma. You're still technically recovering from your two year coma, in a sense. This could happen until your body and mind realize its healed."

"Is there anything you can do to help?" Shepard asked.

"I could prescribe something to help stop them, but it would only be temporary. It could also make them worse, so I wouldn't recommend them."

"So... waiting game?"

"Sadly, yes. There are ways to make them stop, or at least ignore then in a way to lessen the stress."

"Give me the lecture, and an empty datapad. I'll take notes, professor."

* * *

She lay her head on the table before her, awaiting the next cup of coffee through the pain of a headache. Life went on through the ship, crew members moving in and out of the mess. Much of what Chakwas had taught her didn't seem logical in her situation, but she had no other options to curb the issues rotting through her unstable mind at the moment. The smell of coffee hit her and she lifted her head, giving a weak but passionate 'thank you' to her gracious mess sergeant before curling up in her chain and taking a sip. Another brush through her tangled hair, sighing softly as she peered into her cup, seeing her blurry face in the dark liquid. The lingering scars, the painful look. She tilted her head, trying to understand herself, until a new figure joined her in the mirror of her coffee, drawing her eyes up to the worried turian behind her.

"How did your visit to the good doctor go?"

She sighed. "It's either Parkinson's or a migraine coma. Chakwas is sure its the latter because I wasn't completely done being built when I was woken up."

"What is Parkinson's?" she had a smile, even though it was a morbid question. He was a turian, he wouldn't know what kind of diseases they could develop.

"Parkinson's is a neurodegenerative disorder, it's sadly common. It slowly ruins motor control and mental stability in humans. It can get bad and ruins lives. It's not pretty."

Garrus' mandibles fluttered nervously, and he stood there silently for a moment before taking the seat next to her.

"I did my own digging on the disease," she continued, "and although I fall into the right age range of being able to develop it, it's still a relatively low risk. Chakwas is going to make sure that it's this migraine coma thing."

"And what would that be?"

"Something that occurs after long periods of comatose. Basically what happens occasionally during the recovery after waking up from a coma. It makes more sense then Parkinson's. Chakwas mentioned that there is a clear sign that it's this migraine coma, but I would need an MRI to get a look at my brain, parts of my spine. I'm debating when I should do it."

Garrus put a hand on her shoulder, drawing her tired eyes to him. She looked down and then closed them, leaning into him.

"It would be better to get it done sooner then later. We don't need you killing yourself because you're determined to ignore it and think everything is okay."

"I just don't know if I have time, or the ability to even get cutting edge medical help, Garrus. I'm technically still dead, and affiliated, sadly, with Cerberus. What medical facility would take me in?"

 _"Might I suggest Huerta Memorial, on the Presidium, Shepard?"_ EDI cut in gently, _"Records indicate that Dr. Michel was recently taken on their staff."_

"It's a good idea. Someone familiar, and if we can convince Dr. Michel to keep it quiet, no one would know." Garrus commented, "Thanks, EDI."

_"I am happy to help."_

"It would be no issue getting in contact with Dr. Michel, Shepard."

Both human and turian turned to see Chakwas walking toward them, a datapad in her hand. Shepard looked grimly down at her coffee once again.

"Let me get Jack first. I don't want to lose the chance to get them."

"One mission only, Commander. You don't want to risk worsening your condition. We need to confirm what is causing this and find a way to keep it from continuing."

"Yes, ma'am."

"I mean it, Shepard. Don't make me drag you back into that med-bay."

* * *

Jack was an interesting woman. They hadn't expected her to be covered in tattoos, locked up in high security, or proceed to completely break apart Purgatory in her escape. The burning remains they had to fight through were fun for her, as she relied near completely on her biotics, only ever using her pistol a few times. She was a lightning bolt of blue superiority through the facility until they caught up with Jack.

It was a quick friendship.

"Files are yours, you get your freedom, a dark place to sleep in, and some fun killing more enemies. Cerberus can kiss my glowing ass, so I don't care what you do, Jack."

The biotic was almost caught off guard by Shepard's willingness to let her free to do as she pleased, but she caught herself, smirking at the Commander.

"Well then, let's get out of this shithole already. I don't want to linger here."

They didn't bother with briefing her in the briefing room, or sugar coating anything, especially if she wasn't warm with Cerberus. They did get her to meet Miranda, though it wasn't surprising that they immediately starting throwing insults at each other. She was quick to curb it, passing a datapad to Jack and getting Miranda to act a little more accommodating and welcoming. She did wish in silence she could have another second-in-command, but she could deal at least for the length of the suicide mission. She would get Miranda's cold shields to come down eventually. With Jack, it could get tricky but she knew she could. If she could get Wrex's walls and Garrus' walls down, she could break down a cold, overworked friend to come clean.

"Play nice, please. Or better yet, just be nice."

"I'd rather not have her digging through all of our files. She's unstable." Miranda counter. Shepard scowled.

"Yes, because any victim of Cerberus' is guaranteed to be sane and safe. Just, for me and the crew, get over this."

She left Miranda to think, moving toward the elevator, before taking a detour to the galaxy map until Joker's voice came over the com.

"Commander, the Illusive Man's on the line. Being pushy about getting you in there. Better deal with him before he gets snappy."

Perfect. She needed to get to Chakwas, but if the Illusive Man had something for her, she had to get it done before she could do anything. Pushing her hair back, she trekked back to the briefing room, stepping into the call, staring at the holographic image of the Illusive Man coming to her. He paused, taking a drag of his ever lit cigarette.

"Shepard, I think we have them. Horizon, one of our colonies in the Terminus Systems, just went silent. If it isn't under attack, it soon will be. Has Mordin delivered the countermeasure for the seeker swarms?"

"Not yet," Shepard replied, shaking her head.

"Let's hope he works well under pressure." it seems the lack of progress didn't deter him. "There's something else you should know."

Another drag of his cigarette. She tightened up, fearing the next words he spoke without visible evidence.

"One of your former crew, Kaidan Alenko. He's stationed on Horizon."

Her face went pale, her body tightening up, her heart stretching out in pain and worry. Two years without any contact, no messages. She couldn't imagine the pain in his heart. They had spent time together before Ilos, helping one another shake off anxiety before the final mission. She took a calming breath. The edges of her vision went black, the glow of his eyes returning before disappearing.

"Good to know."

"Plotting our vectors, Shepard. We'll be there in a few hours." Joker announced as the comm link went dead.

She was silent as she took a moment, taking a shuddering breath, calming her nerves. Kaidan was on Horizon.

She didn't know if she was afraid of losing him or ecstatic to see him once again. She wrung her hands together as she moved for Mordin's lab, curious eyes locking to the buzzing seeker inside a glass observation module, giving the scientist a hopeful glance. The mad scientists smiled, nodding as he led her over to his compiled research, and the finalized countermeasure. It was all they had, and hopefully it would work.

"Get it ready for Garrus and Kasumi, and once Horizon is done, get it for everyone. I'm going to prepare."

"Of course, Shepard. Will implement countermeasures into armor, will need access to your locker."

"Granted."

* * *

Kaidan Alenko. He really had survived the Collector attack, defending her honor and name to the mechanic that had also avoided the seeker swarms. The man she had been hoping and dreading to meet once again. He accepted the silent request for the hug, holding him as he did the same before they withdrew, and from there, her heart dropped.

"It's been two years, Shepard. We mourned for two years, and you think just a 'it's been a while' is going to work?"

"Kaidan..."

"You left all of us, and to hear after two years that you had apparently come back from the dead of space, and with Cerberus-!"

"I had no choice, Kaidan, I swear-"

He waved her off, anger and resentment swelling in his eyes, as nothing but pain and disaster filled hers. She could just barely hear the soft growl from Garrus.

"I loved you, Shepard. I really did, but to know you're working with a terrorist group, turning your back on the Alliance, on everything we did... this is unforgivable."

"Damn it, Kaidan," Garrus spoke up, "Your so blinded that you can't see what's really happening!"

"Do I need better eyes to see that Shepard isn't herself anymore? We mourned. We moved on as best we could... I honestly thought the rumors were lies, that you weren't gunning for Cerberus, that you weren't somehow alive."

"I have no choice in this situation, Kaidan, god damn it!" Shepard shouted, "Let me explain, you thick-skulled varren!"

"Explain what? How you're still standing, or why you've betrayed us all by siding with Cerberus? Explain to me, then, how and why you would go so far as to betray humanity by supporting them?"

"I am not with Cerberus, Kaidan, I haven't betrayed the Alliance! But I am _stuck_ here. I'm trying to make a difference again, saving these colonies and stopping the Collectors, while the entire galaxy is being spoon-fed lies from the Council!"

"We all know that the Council is denying the Reapers, but Shepard, this act with Cerberus about saving these-"

"IT'S NOT AN ACT!"

Kaidan flinched, stepping back as surprise filled his face before the bitter, nearly uncontrolled anger broke free. Garrus and Kasumi stared at their Commander in shock. Shepard was not a woman to snap easily, not one to let such outbursts happen at such a simple provocation. Her shoulders shook, her ears closing as Kaidan bitterly bit them goodbye, turning his back on Shepard, and leaving to help the colony. For a moment, nothing but silence and the humming of the guns around them filled the air, Shepard watching Kaidan disappear, watching him leave. Garrus took a step forward, and Shepard turned her back, looking to him with guarded eyes, protecting the pain and snuffing out the flames of her aching heart.

"Joker. Get us out of here. I'm tired of this planet."

Her voice was weak, tired, lacking in its usual energy. It was exhausted. Garrus wanted to offer support, but he knew when Shepard needed space. He nodded, stepping to the side and taking up her right flank. Her eyes spoke for her, showing her appreciation for the silent support. Kasumi picked up on it as well, smiling comfortingly before taking her left, and walking with them toward the descending shuttle.

The shuttle ride is silent as well, Kasumi and Garrus glancing at Shepard as she stares at the small images of the colony, lost in thought. As the shuttle shutters, moving up through the atmosphere to dock back on the Normandy, she speaks, hissing her words sadly, running a hand through her now unkempt hair. Kasumi can understand the need for them, but Garrus knows exactly who she's saying the words to in that moment.

"You idiot..."

Shepard barely spars a look to the crew as she dismounts, plucking at armor seals and pulling herself out of her bloody armor, silent as the grave she once rested inside. She had her armor off by the time they had gotten to the elevator, standing in her tight black underarmor with them, plucking at the collar absently.

"...Kasumi, do you have turian ale in the bar?"

Garrus looked curiously to the assassin as she hummed for a moment. Kasumi tapped her chin in thought.

"Yes, actually. Two kinds, if I'm correct."

Shepard closed her eyes, slowly opening them. "Got anything I could drink?"

"Of course. I found a fruity dextro drink called Kilari. Know it, Garrus?"

"Kilari's not bad. It's normally served with a tart fruit called Peri we have on Palaven, though I've seen it served with strawberries." Shepard smiled.

"That settles it then. If you guys are up for it in a little bit, I'd like to have some drinks with you. That alright?"

Kasumi gasped in mock surprise and horror. "A drink with Commander Shepard? Oh no, that cannot be allowed! The great Commander drinks in solitude. You've broken my fantasy, Commander!"

Garrus chuckled, elbowing Kasumi lightly. The assassin chuckled, pushing back at him.

"No problem at all, Shepard. I'll dig for those drinks."

"You know me, Shepard..."

Katherine looked up at him finally, seeing his comforting gaze, hearing the gentle hum of his subharmonics trying to convey his concern and care for her. Her lips twitched gently at the ends, almost into a smile as he finished his sentence.

"...I won't turn you down."

* * *

Garrus was the first to get to Kasumi's room, surprised to see the assassin without her hood on. She turned to him at his arrival, her hands twitching to pull her hood up but decided against it. Straight, cropped midnight black hair framed her face, the smallest of cropped fringe over her forehead and dark eyes. If Garrus was correct, she had want humans would call an 'Eastern' look. The name didn't make sense, especially if the word used was orient. She waved him over to the bar, moving behind it.

"Surprised by my looks, Garrus?" she teased, finishing her wipe down of a few glasses for the night's event.

"Somewhat. It looks good on you, though."

"Sweet talker. I don't really care about it much, so I just keep the hood on. Much easier then dealing with my hair flying around."

Garrus tapped the bar, humming. "That makes sense. Hair just looks like a hassle, really. How do you deal with it?"

"Painstakingly. Especially if it's long. Though luckily it's not too hard as long as it's tied up. Like the Commander's."

A glass was passed to him, and taking a whiff he could tell it was genuine turian ale. Not questioning it, he threw the shot back, shuddering at the high quality liquid burned through him. Kasumi chuckled, drawing his eyes. She seemed amused by his drinking, and it made little sense to him before she explained herself.

"Your mandibles fluttered wildly when you threw that back, like a bird's wings. It was fun to watch."

"Does that mean I'm doing the drinking and you're just going to watch me get wasted, Kasumi?"

"No, no!" she defended herself, pulling a glass up herself, "I'll drink, I just think it's interesting that your mandibles do that. Never have seen a turian do that when drinking."

"Well, we try to control their movement. It can get easy to read us if we just let them fly around, so we consciously control when they move. If my mandibles are fluttering, it means I trust you with seeing that."

"Garrus, I'm touched."

He chuckled at her sentiments, taking another shot before backing off from the alcohol for a moment. He did a quick sweep of the room with his eyes, before resting his chin in his hand, setting his elbow on the bar. Kasumi leaned in.

"Do you let them move with Shepard?"

He nodded. "Of course. Besides, she knows when I'm holding back emotions regardless of my mandibles. No point in hiding when she can tell no matter what."

"Sounds like you two are close."

"We've been through hell, Kasumi. Saren, the geth, Sovereign... her death."

He grew silent, his eyes growing dark in what Kasumi could only pinpoint as aged sorrow. He closed them, sighing softly, recounting old memories and a poison once rested in his chest.

"We barely got through her death, and the two years that followed. It's interesting, because when the news got to me in Spectre training, I wasn't mad. I wasn't sad. I was... numb. I didn't believe it at all, and the numbness... I was numb for who knows how long. It didn't take long after people were trying to help me through the shock that I quit, I couldn't take it there anymore. No matter where I looked, all I could see were the times I had spent with her there. The Citadel wasn't a place I wanted to be anymore.

"That's when I set off for Omega. And that's where the numbness faded, and I channeled the pain and misery into something worth while. Something she would be proud of if she could ever see me. I didn't want her memory to die while the Council stomped on her work and dedication. I didn't want her to disappear once the Alliance held her funeral and memorial and gave her honors only the dead get once they're nothing more then bones."

Kasumi watched and listened with surprise and unexpected revelation. Watching Garrus lament on the time after her death, the horror and pain that came with losing her, she realized what was happening, what truly went on. She gave a knowing smile, pulling his glass away.

"You're in love with her."

Her mandibles fluttered, dropped slightly, rose once more, fluttered once and finally flattened against his face. He looked down to his talons, letting his heart beat, letting his thoughts spin, letting his emotions swim.

"I don't know." he gave weakly. Kasumi shook her head. "I don't know what it is."

"I do, you blind turian. It's love."

"What makes you an expert?" he asked softly, "How can you know just from me talking?"

Kasumi ran her fingers over his empty glass. "The way you talk about it. You make it sound like the universe just burned down around you, that nothing meant anything to you without her there. You lost everything when she died, and when she came back... you found it again. You wanted nothing more then for her to stay alive, to keep her going.

"You also almost growled at Kaidan on Horizon."

He gave an embarrassed keening sound, moving his hand so it hid the blue flush around his neck. Kasumi didn't chuckle, and simply moved his hand, meeting no resistance as she watched it come and go, before tracing the hard lines of his palms.

"It's also in the way you move, the way you act. You're open and vulnerable around her, you let her in entirely. Your body is less rigid, less alert. You're so calm and trusting around her, I was almost fooled into thinking you and her were already an item. Hell, I can tell you now, a lot of the crew suspect it just by how you two act and work together. There is _one_ other thing that tells me that you are in love."

She leaned back, and settled onto the bar, flipped the glass over so she could encircle the bottom rim, smiling softly before looking off to the other side of the room, as if seeing something only she could see.

"I've felt the exact same way. If anything, I still do in a sense. Genji and I... when he died, I went numb too. Everything just seemed to disappear and fade away. I had to push it back so I could work, so I could chase it all away, Garrus."

Garrus met Kasumi's eyes with wide disbelief. She poked his forehead, making his eyes scrunch up in confusion.

"Garrus Vakarian, you are in love with your CO and best friend, Katherine Shepard."

He opened his mouth, trying to find the words to go against it, but soon shut it, his mandibles falling for a moment before they fluttered, turning his head away and then lowering it.

"...I guess I am."

Kasumi shook her head. "There is no reason for guessing. You are. You're just afraid to accept it, or afraid she wont feel the same."

"She doesn't need the burden of a boyfriend in the middle of this."

She flipped over his shot glass, filling up again.

"She needs support, and someone to trust in, someone to lose herself in so she can get through this. Don't hurt yourself and her by keeping quiet on it, Garrus. I think you'd be surprised."

His mandible fluttered softly, before he gave the equivalent of a smile, taking up the glass again, only stopped by the opening and closing of the doors, his eyes drawn to their arriving commander. Kasumi smiled as his mandibles gave away his happiness.

"You started without me, Garrus. Not fair." Shepard chided him, taking a seat at the bar.

"Kasumi's fault."

"Rat me out so quickly, huh, Garrus? Let me find you this crappy turian rum I found on the Citadel, and see if you'll be so quick."

Garrus chuckled, tapping his glass on the bar. "Bad news, Kasumi, but I have had crappy turian rum. Omega only had crappy rum!"

The chorus of laughter lifted them into a calm and exciting moment of bonding and drinks, swapping jokes and jabs at each other, breaking the cold shudder that had carried over their shoulders since Horizon. Shepard slammed down her fifth shot, looking almost unsatisfied before groaning and sliding her glass back to Kasumi.

"Something wrong, Shepard?" she asked. Shepard shook her head.

"Found one thing I hate about this body. I do not think I can get drunk anymore."

Garrus and Kasumi's eyes went wide. Shepard shrugged, rolling her neck.

"I don't even feel buzzed! This is such bullshit."

Garurs gently patted shoulder in a show of support for the loss, passing his drink over, which she happily accepts. Kasumi pours another for them, and finally moves them to the lounge, looking to Shepard as she settled in.

"Did you offer this just to drink away the pain, Shepard?" Kasumi asked quietly, drawing the Commander's eyes before the fell with a sigh.

It was confirmation enough. Garrus looked to her with concern, wanting to reach out and help, but he could read her. She still needed to be untouched, alone.

"That and just... I just don't know what to do."

"Some sleep could help, Shepard." Garrus offered, "After that, I can assume you'd need the downtime."

She nodded, stretching for a moment before smiling at Kasumi, who gave the silent approval to leave without issue. She looked to Garrus, and both stood.

"Thanks, Kasumi, for letting me drink and things."

"Come any time, you two. The bar's open."

The left with silent goodbyes. Garrus moved to head back to the battery but Shepard's hands grabbed for him. He nodded, and followed her into the elevator, pushing the button for her cabin. Once the doors closed, she leaned on him. The door silently opened a few seconds later, and he led her in silence into her cabin. She moved forward once inside, absently hitting the button to feed her fish. She looked to her console on her desk, seeing the blinking green light, and ignored it. He watched as she wandered toward her bed, and froze before it.

"Shepard?"

He was at her side just as she flinched back into her. He could feel the gentle shaking of her arms, and he knew these hallucinations were happening again.

"What are you seeing?"

"Hearing. Whispers, Saren. Left shoulder, near the table." her voice was starting to tremble. Her hands tightened around her shoulders.

"What's he saying?"

"Taunting me, haunting me. He's trying to convince me of how its going to end. Death, disaster, loss... he's closer."

"I'm right here for you, Kat. He's not going to get you."

"He's in front of me."

He pulled her closer, feeling her shaking, her fear. Her hands came up to hold his, taking a raspy breath. She took a step back, moving nowhere but into him. Her heartrate was spiking, her lungs were working beyond what they should have been. His visor screamed at him that she was the farthest from okay in terms of her biometrics.

"Garrus... make it go away."

"Close your eyes, focus on me. I won't let him hurt you a second time, Katherine."

She hissed, closing her eyes for a moment. He could hear her breath soften, hiding from the horrors before her that were invisible to him. She clutched herself to him as she fought her mind from showing her more. Eventually it was silent.

Shepard starting to move from him, but something immediately tipped him off. Something about how she moved, the sway of her head, the lack of her normal focus.As she moved forward, falling instead of stepping, he grabbed for her with a shout.

"Katherine?!"

He had a decent grip on her as she fell, holding her before laying her on her bed, fear taking hold of him. She had fainted, or something, unresponsive to his shaking. Anger flooded him as he had failed to help her, gathering her in his arms, moving quickly to the elevator once more.

"EDI, tell Chakwas I'm coming down with Shepard, something's happened to her."

_"The mess hall is filled with the crew for their evening meal. You will not be able to hide the fact that Shepard is in trouble."_

"Damn it." he cursed again, adjusting Shepard in his arms. She was getting pale, and blood was dripping down her face from her nose. He curled her closer to his chest, begging the spirits that they did not take her from him again.

The elevator opened to the empty hallways to the bunks, to his surprise. He could hear the noise from the mess as the crew gathered for dinner, and cursed everything in this world that he could that they had to witness such a thing. He could hear the medbay open, and he made a run for it. As soon as he was visible from the elevator, the crew locked in on the sight of their commander, trying to understand. Some stood in horror, others exclaiming and gasping. He could hear the screech of a chair as Miranda stood, her footfalls following him as he rushed for the doors of the medbay.

"GET IN!"

The door slammed shut behind him as Chakwas locked it, immediately followed by what he assumed was Miranda trying to get inside. The shutters came down as crew rushed to try to see, to try to understand what was happening. He lay her down immediately on a gurney, panicking as he pushed back her hair. Blood was still falling, her hands twitched sporadically.

He moved without protest as Chakwas came to her side, cursing again and again in languages that both translated and didn't translate, slamming her hand down on the metal gurney.

"Joker! Get us to the Citadel NOW!"

_"Chakwas? What's going on, I'm getting reports that-"_

Garrus growled, shouting up at him. "It's Shepard, Joker! Get us to the Citadel or she's not going to make it!"

_"God damn it, not again!"_

The ship shuddered as her pilot pushed her to get to the Citadel, not bothering with even breathing as he took Shepard's other side, Chakwas cursing as she raised her omni tool.

"She's hemorrhaging. Whatever happened to her, whatever she saw, she's suffering a Hemorrhagic stroke. If she doesn't get help now... Joker, move this bucket faster!"

_"I'm trying, we're two minutes out, Chakwas!"_

"She's bleeding into her brain, Jeff! MOVE IT!"

Garrus knew what it meant to bleed inside the brain, he knew that much. He rested a hand on her head, watching her blood drip down her face from her nose. His heart was cracking into pieces.

If he lost her now...

"Hold on, Katherine... please, for the love of the spirits, hold on..."


	7. False Gold Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit 9/24: Minor edits done to the chapter to help fix some spelling issues, some additional lines added.

_"Welcome to the Citadel News Net, I'm Emily Wong. Reports of Commander Shepard's return after officials pronounced her 'killed in action' two years ago have now been confirmed. Commander Shepard was spotted on the Citadel this morning, rushed from the Normandy's docking bay in the Presidium on a stretcher, heading for Huerta Memorial Hospital. She was trailed by the Normandy's head physician, Doctor Karin Chakwas, as well as notable ex-C-Sec officer, Garrus Vakarian, as seen in these pictures. No details are known as to what injuries the Commander has suffered, as the hospital has refused interviews and has barred reporters from entering the hospital._

_"Shortly after Commander Shepard's return, an unknown woman was also allowed into the hospital, and denied our request for an interview, curtly replying,_ 'If I stand here and answer your questions, I'd waste time I could be using helping Shepard' _. We reached out to a Systems Alliance Admiral close to Commander Shepard, Steven Hackett, as well as Ambassador Anderson, but both have not responded to our requests._

_"Until more information can be obtained, it is safe to assume that the Commander is in good hands for whatever may have brought her here to Huerta Memorial."_

Miranda cursed as the story ran, shaking her head. They had hoped to avoid media attention, so Shepard could be taken care of in secret, but it seems it was impossible from the start. There had been countless requests for information and interviews, and she felt just a tad sorry for the security and doctors of the hospital who had to deal with the media storm outside their door for their high profile patient.

She looked to her left. Garrus had been silent in his chair ever since Shepard had been taken into her room, silent as the eye of the storm. She didn't know just how close the two were, but she knew from simple observations, reports, and such, that Garrus was much more attached. She had heard he looked up to her, but this silence, this desperation to keep her alive, she knew it was something deeper.

The hospital was silent save for doctors chatting away about patients and different treatments, and every Citadel space species moving and whining about wounds. A nurse brought them food from the nearby market, at least. Garrus silently took the meal, looked briefly at Miranda, and finally started eating.

It seemed like an eternity until the doors opened, revealing Dr. Chakwas as well as Dr. Michel. Nurses were still inside the room. Garrus stood immediately, blue eyes begging for good news. Chakwas hid her emotions well as she addressed him and Miranda.

"We were able to get the bleeding to stop, thankfully, and reduce the swelling in her brain. With Cerberus' upgrades, we can assume there's going to be no permanent damage."

Garrus and Miranda sighed in relief, though immediately Garrus stared her down. He couldn't tell if she was happy that the Commander survived or that her best work with Cerberus survived a deadly brain hemorrhage. Dr. Michel stepped out from behind Chakwas.

"However, she's in a coma now. We want to make sure she has time to recover from something like this."

Garrus stepped up. "Is that a good idea, Dr. Michel? With her hallucinations-"

"She should be fine, Garrus." Chakwas countered, "Whatever was causing those hallucinations was killing her, no thanks to the early 'wake up call', Miranda."

"We had no choice," Miranda countered, "It was either wake her up, or let her die again. I wasn't going to let two years of work be destroyed that easily."

"Perhaps if you kept a better handle on your operatives..." Chakwas mumbled darkly, before looking down at the datapad in her hands. Miranda frowned.

"She was lucky to come out of this without brain damage," Dr. Michel mentioned, "so a long rest in a coma should help her brain heal. There was a piece of her frontal lobe damaged, but thanks to Dr. Chakwas, it was fixed with minor cybernetics and medicine."

"It'll be about two week, according to our estimates." Chakwas finished up, setting her datapad down, "She could wake earlier, so Garrus, you'll need to stay close to the hospital, or be able to get here quickly if need be."

"No problem."

Chakwas nodded, and looked to Garrus, and then to the door leading to Shepard's room. The nurses came out and waved, smiling gently. Miranda followed them, and once she was gone, Chakwas finally showed her true emotions, the fear and relief.

"She's stable, but we don't know if this... if this will help or hurt. You can go in and see her, Garrus."

"Thanks, Chakwas."

She stepped aside as he moved to the door, watching it open and immediately looking to Shepard. Approaching her hospital bed, looking to the silently sounding monitors she was hooked up to, his subvocals expressed what he couldn't in real words. The fear, the sadness, the relief.

She looked almost peaceful, her hair undone from its normal ponytail, spilled out around her face and across her shoulders. She wasn't bound up in clothing, her chest covered enough for modesty, baring her shoulders. Marks from years ago, the scars she had carried for a lifetime were wiped away by Cerberus' revival, a clean slate for her. He remembered when he would get a glimpse of her training in the cargo bay during the days of the SR-1, how she would always train in just a sports bra and shorts, if he remembered the terminology for the outfit she trained in. Scars danced across her shoulders then, marks from either Mindoir or Akuze, or both. She claimed to forget which ones came from where, with the exception of a discolored patch of skin on her neck. She had been hit with acid residue on Akuze trying to pull a teammate from the sands, his legs half melted off. He didn't make it, and the wound was how she remembered it.

It wasn't there anymore. Nothing but flawless skin.

He brushed her hair from her cheeks, watching her chest rise and fall slowly. She was alive, the spirits perhaps heeding his wish to keep her alive. Perhaps it was because Katherine Shepard was strong, and would get through this.

Was it luck? Was it strength? Was it Cerberus?

Too many questions, too many unanswered, and never enough answers.

"Take as long as you need, Shepard. I'll be here for you, and so will the crew. We'll wait for you."

He knew she wouldn't answer, but the silence felt like a wound in his chest. He stood there at her bedside, just moving her hair, feeling the oddly silky texture between his talons. She wasn't a vain woman, never concerned about her looks, but she seemed to pride herself on her indestructible hair. Even during the days of Saren, her hair had a knack of never looking 'fuzzy', or 'frizzy'. It always fell perfectly, always looked like she had spent hours ensuring its beauty.

"You won't have to worry about us. As much as I don't trust Miranda... she's proving herself capable, though I'm also right behind her, helping."

Silence rolled through once more, the silent beeps of the machines the mantra her body lived off of as she healed. Watching her chest rise, always watching and observing, keeping close to what was, at first, simply inspiration and the feeling of amazement. He looked up to the Commander in the early months they had worked together, learning for her and she from him when she could. They were close, he always on her six, never far behind. He had become her 'right hand man', if that was the correct.

And yet, here he stood now, harboring feelings never thought possible. He wanted to admit to her what he felt, and help her as much as he could through this turbulent time.

"I'll be here if you need me, Shepard. I don't want to leave you alone after what happened."

Without hesitation, he took her resting right hand into his, squeezing it softly. He knew it would not squeeze back, but it made him feel better knowing the warmth in her skin was still there. The moment came and went, and he let her hand go, keeping his eyes on her until he had to turn and leave. The door opened to Chakwas waiting for him, looking at him with understanding. She could easily see what he felt.

"Don't worry yourself too much, Garrus," she reassured him, approaching him, "she'll need you when she wakes up."

"I don't know who'll need who more: me or her." he admitted, "It was hard enough the first time she died, but seeing this happen..."

Her look softened, and she came closer, leading him out with a touch, toward the waiting room.

"I don't want to live through it again. Especially now that I have to watch her."

"She won't leave us again. If I have to use my own life, I will make sure she survives."

Garrus' mandibles fluttered once, the weakest thing to a smile he could give. "You wouldn't mind if I put my own life into the 'Keep Shepard Alive' fund?"

Chakwas chuckled ever so softly as they approached the doors to the outside of the hospital. They would have to be fielded through reporters and people asking questions. Luckily, they had some security to help them but would it be enough was a question she couldn't entirely answer.

"I would say something is wrong with you if you didn't, Garrus."

* * *

 

Garrus called in some favors from old contacts after they were able to flee from the hospital to find someplace to lay low so they weren't swarmed by reporters and officials looking for answers. It got better when they were approached by Bailey, somewhat freshly promoted, who helped he and Chakwas find a series apartments to camp out in for the time being. The crew weren't safe either from rabid news networks trying to get information on Shepard, the ship, her 'disappearance', and many other questions, so the ability to hide and relax without worry was a greatly needed commodity.

The crew didn't seem to mind the need for secrecy. Jack calmly took the advice of changing her look to keep herself hidden in the crowds, changing her outfit and getting a decent wig. She looked like an entirely different person overall, but her eyes gave away the pain. In the short amount of time they had been with Shepard, they were already close. Grunt kept to his apartment, and Miranda provided him food. Garrus didn't need to see him to know he was depressed about losing her. Mordin seemed somewhat down but buried his emotions and troubles in his work. He was the only one besides Joker and Kasumi who opted to stay on the Normandy.

Miranda had taken her own apartment, and Chakwas had opted to share one with Garrus as both would be constantly moving from their shared space to the hospital unless they needed time to themselves or supplies. There was enough room for him to have his own turian-style 'nest bed', as many humans called it, alongside Chakwas' normal human bed. A half-moon shaped bed with bedding and pillows that allowed for comfortable rest and relaxation without putting strain on his carapace, spurs, or fringe.

"The hospital is still getting people at their door for interviews and information." Chakwas chuckled softly, leafing through a physical book for a moment, "We're taking the back entrance again today."

"Sounds good." he muttered, sitting up and stretching. He had been wearing armor, but it was getting tiresome, and opted for turian attire. He didn't have anything with him, so a discreet shopping trip was arranged. He had his dress blues, and two different outfits. His blues didn't tell too much, and were near identical to normal clothing as he lacked the pomp of normal dress blues. He shrugged it on, carefully adjusting it before leaving with a wave.

A human woman was slumped against the wall directly across from his apartment, and his exit prompted her awake. She rubbed her eyes, and looked up at him.

Garrus recognized her immediately. Emily Wong, a human reporter Shepard had helped early on, and now a reporter for a news network on the Citadel. She looked exhausted but still smiled. She was alone, with only a small case. He assumed it had equipment of some sort for her job.

"Garrus Vakarian? I don't know if you remember me."

"You broke open Fist's crime ring, thanks to Shepard. Hard to forget since I helped with that case as well."

Emily wasn't a bad reporter, and had some tact in terms of when people could or could not be interviewed. She was among the few in his book that warranted approval in terms of being decent reporters. She sighed softly, looking relieved that she wasn't forgotten.

"I'm surprised you remember that, or me. I was given a tip from Bailey that you would be here, and I was... well, I can understand if you don't want to do an interview."

"Depends on the interview, Ms. Wong. Shepard trusted you before, I don't see why I can't either."

Emily's face lit up, picking up her case and then ensuring she looked somewhat less unkempt. She stood proudly before him, smiling.

"Then, is it okay if I interview you and Dr. Chakwas in your apartment? I don't want to drag you out somewhere, and it would be a better place for you, I think."

Garrus took a moment to think, looking to his door. He gestured Emily to the door, and opened it once again, drawing Chakwas' eyes as the reporter was allowed inside. After a brief explanation, and some rearranging of chairs, they had a small setup for Emily to conduct her interview.

She sat in her chair, opening her case and revealed recording equipment, including a small hovering camera. She activated it with a flash of a program on her omni tool, the small ball powering up and fluttering around her head.

"This records video and audio, but I figured I won't be filming this and releasing it." Emily explained, taping her omni tool, and pulling up her question notes, "I'll be asking you a few questions, and you have every right to refuse to answer it if I'm pushing boundaries or something you can't reveal for your safety."

"But you'll be releasing the interview?" Chakwas asked. Emily lowered her omni tool.

"I'll be presenting it over the News Network here, so it'll be in pieces or I'll simply direct quote your answers. Think of it like a news broadcast without the live feeds, like old Earth news shows. They would cut away to a screen with just a quote on it."

Garrus and Chakwas exchanged a silent conversation before nodding and agreeing to the terms, settling in as Emily booted up her notes again, looking to Garrus.

"It's been two years since the Commander's 'funeral', two years after the Alliance closed her door, and two years after the Council covered the truth she unveiled about the Reapers. Where has she been for the last two years?"

Garrus cleared his throat, and Chakwas took the initiative, speaking first.

"I don't know if you've seen the symbols on the Normandy yet, but the rather notorious human terrorist group 'Cerberus' did something at first deemed impossible. They were able to get Shepard's body, and resurrect her. They spent billions of credits into bringing her back."

"So she did die when an unknown ship, revealed later to be the work of beings called Collectors, attacked and destroyed the Normandy SR-1?"

"Yes," Chakwas grimly said, looking off. "I was onboard when the Collectors attacked the ship, and ripped it to pieces. I watched from the escape pod as the Commander sacrificed herself to save Joker..."

Emily didn't continue, reaching out to touch Chakwas' hands, folded in her lap. She smiled and nodded confirming that she was alright. Garrus offered his own hand and Chakwas took it for a moment.

"Thank you. It's just a hard memory."

"I understand that, Doctor. Forgive me for dragging bad memories up." Emily told her, "Want to continue the interview?"

"Yes, of course."

Emily redirected herself, moving notes around in her omni tool. "So Shepard was recovered after the attack and rebuilt by Cerberus. The ship you arrived in, isn't it the Normandy?"

"Likes Chakwas said," Garrus answered, "the original was destroyed in the Collector attack. Cerberus also built a new Normandy, and called it the Normandy SR-2. She's got a lot more mass, so we can't always land on planets. However, oddly enough, they focused on giving her crew a lot of civilian-grade accommodations."

"Cerberus put a lot into her, didn't they?" Emily commented. Garrus nodded gently.

"Well, if there's anyone in the galaxy that deserves that much time and work to bring back, it's her."

Emily looked at him quizzically for a moment before smiling, shutting down her omni tool. She didn't need notes at this point.

"Now, are you working for Cerberus now?"

"No." Chakwas and Garrus spoke at the same time, exchanging looks. Emily did the same, confusion twisting her expression.

"Cerberus is a horrible group, and one I would never think of joining, but unfortunately the Illusive Man has her by the throat. She can't escape him or Cerberus yet." Garrus explained, "He's sent her on a suicide mission."

"Against the Collectors?"

"Exactly. The Illusive Man wants to stop the attacks on human colonies, so he put two years and billions of credits into bringing Shepard back to do it. Under no circumstances are we working for Cerberus. We're stuck under his flag thanks to circumstances."

Emily quickly wrote down notes into her omni tool, looking between them for a moment. She powered off her omni tool, relaxing into the calm air of the apartment. She seemed to sober, the somewhat serious air for the interview fading. She didn't need her notes, she didn't need to stay on a script.

"I guess this'll be my last questions, then. What happened to Shepard? Will she be alright?"

Chakwas sighed softly. "When they 'woke' her up, she wasn't entirely put together, in a sense. Some places in her brain were exposed, unfinished, cracking. Through the few missions we've done, her mental state was deteriorating due to these issues, until it... until every came to a head."

Garrus picked up the blunt truth. "She suffered a hemorrhagic stroke, and started bleeding into her brain."

"My god..."

"She's stable now. We were able to stop the bleeding, reduce the swelling. We just can't tell if there will be lasting damage, or if we can fix it." Chakwas continued, "For now we have to hope she'll heal. She'll be in a coma for a week or so unless she wakes up."

"Well, it's good that she survived. Thank you so much for your time, Doctor, Vakarian. I'll start piecing together the report. I'll leave out most of the Cerberus things, of course."

Chakwas smiled. "Thank you. Of all the reporters to come find us, I'm glad it was you, Ms. Wong."

Garrus stood up slowly, offering his hand to the reporter, which was happily accepted into a handshake.

"Do your best to convince people that Shepard is still who she is, regardless of Cerberus if anyone catches on."

"I won't fail you." Emily firmly said, shutting down her recording bot, "Shepard has earned a lot more respect then what's being given to her."

* * *

 

Emily’s report went live on the air a week later, surprising the entire station as the news of Shepard's condition came to light. Every human nervously hummed about the Commander's ailment, knowing what it meant and what dangers is posed to bleed inside the brain. The Council got the news alright, confused as to why the Commander was back here when she could have gotten help elsewhere. They had agreed with her that she not move her operations out of the Terminus, and yet here she was. It was Tevos, however, that stopped Sparatus from visiting the hospital to demand answers, stating that the Commander had obvious reasons, growing angry as the turian Councilor demanded she be taken off the station to get medical help elsewhere. The Council squabbled in a surprise fissure until deciding to let Shepard heal and pass through the Citadel as she was entitled.

Of course, it was hidden from the public that the Council had almost decided to kick Shepard off the station, but Miranda had ways of finding out. That and Kasumi enjoyed using her cloak to investigate things and continue her underground career. Miranda tapped the green interface on the door, and returned to Shepard's bedside, moving her hair to view the healing scars on her head.

After deliberation, a few simulations, and consultations with Chakwas, Michel, and Garrus, they had gone ahead with adding in new cybernetics to stitch together the 'scar' left behind by Shepard's hemorrhagic stroke. It was her fault such a detail had been left untouched before she was awoken, and she hoped this would help her. She had expected some trouble after realizing what was left untouched due to the unscheduled awakening, but hallucinations combined with possible brain damaged? It was a worst case scenario she had tossed out as impossible.

She should have been smarter to think anything was impossible when it involved Commander Shepard.

The scar had healed well, and while she felt the scar shouldn't be there at all, she left it untouched. Perhaps to help the Commander, or to help herself. She glanced at the monitors. Steady heartbeat and pulse, her brain activity wasn't showing odd fluctuations now. She was stable and steady. She had recommended an earlier wake-up, but both Doctors shut her down quickly.

"Don't sleep too long, Commander. The Collectors-"

Did the Collectors matter more? Miranda stopped herself.

"...we're worried about you, Shepard. Prove us wrong."


	8. Silver Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit 9/26: Finished up some editing to correct spelling mistakes and anything that conflicted.

"So... a human, huh?"

Garrus growled and then groaned, throwing back his shot before glaring at Chellick, who only laughed at his reaction. The bartender happily slid a bigger drink toward him instead of more shots. Bailey squinted at him for a moment before raising his glass.

"Not just any human, huh, Garrus?"

"Bailey..."

"Congrats for falling in love with the Commander, Garrus." Bailey's grin couldn't be larger, and Garrus' neck couldn't be flushed a brighter blue.

Chellick gave out a confused chirp before beginning to laugh at Garrus, setting aside his drink to join Bailey in mocking their friend's pain of falling in love. Garrus eventually got them to calm down with a rather good growl, which snapped Chellick back from his laughing face, but with it he realized just how far in Garrus was, how much he meant it. He gave Bailey a playful hit.

"Give it a rest, Bailey."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Just wanted to pull on his mandible for a little."

Garrus gave Chellick a confused look before he realized what he had done, looking down at his drink, replaying Kasumi's words in his head. He nearly growled when Kaidan pushed Shepard out for simply being stuck in a bad situation, and now here when he was questioned by other men. He rubbed his head, the weight of what was held in his heart hitting him deep. Chellick patted him on the back, an offer on support. Garrus took a hardy drink.

"Any good news on the Commander?" Chellick asked.

"She's still in a coma. Doctors are saying a few more days at most until she could wake up if she doesn't on her own." Garrus explained.

"Not much longer, then," Chellick commented, "What are you going to do about it, Garrus?"

Gazing into the liquid in his glass, Garrus seemed to ignore him before softly speaking.

"I'm going to find a way through it."

"Through it?"

"Never mind." he deflected, not wanting to go into details.

Chellick grabbed his glass, glaring at him for a moment. "Are you giving up, Vakarian?"

"Not exactly." he countered, his voice rolling with a deep counter of his subvocals, warning Chellick.

Chellick growled just enough to get his attention, the two turians dueling in a war of vocalizations which drew some spectator eyes. Two turians were battling it with their sub vocals, a clear sign that they were going to start fighting eventually, and seeing as they were at a bar it was the likely outcome. However, to watching eyes, the vocal fight calmed as Garrus seemingly conceded, resting his head in one hand while Chellick set a hand on his shoulder.

"The Garrus I knew was a stubborn piece of shit who stood up for what he saw was right. He also was an idiot."

"Great pep talk, Chellick. And to think they thought about making you Executor."

"Nice offer, too much work. I'm much better off in the wards. That's beside the point, Garrus. You have a chance. Don't let it fall away because it's a squishy human."

Garrus growled then. "It's not that she's human, Chellick."

"It's because it's Commander Shepard, then," Bailey butted in, "Afraid of fraternization catching your hide?"

"I'm technically signed on to Commander Shepard’s ship, which unfortunately flies under Cerberus colors," Garrus explained, "I doubt fraternization is frowned on that ship as it probably will be once its back to the Alliance."

"Then what the hell are you afraid of, Vakarian?"

He sighed, standing up, gripping the bar that started to sway in his eyes.

"I don't want to fuck things up, especially since she's at her weakest right now. I doubt she even feels the same way. We've been friends for a year or so if you don't count the years she was dead. I don't want to hurt her by throwing in something like this."

Chellick and Bailey looked to him, watching him carefully as his talons loosened from the bar, covering his face, hiding the struggle on his face, the flickering of his mandibles.

"It's hard enough to finally figure it out, but to be the one person everyone's looking toward to help her... and Miranda wonders why she keeps to her cabin so much."

"Are we still talking about Shepard? This is Commander Katherine Shepard we're talking about, Garrus," Bailey asserted, "She's been close to you since what, Sovereign? Weren't you always with her?"

"How would you know that?" Garrus' voices was weaker than he had hoped for.

"Alliance News loved to parade around the fact that Shepard had alien crew, and seemed to prefer them. You were mentioned a lot, seeing as you were practically glued to her side."

Garrus gave a chuckle at that one. Always at her side? Maybe on missions, yes, but he didn't spend too much time with her alone at all, even on shore leave, at least in the beginning-

"Guess I never really realized it at first."

"She's got to be harboring something for you, Garrus. Humans are weird like that, no offense Bailey." Chellick said, looking to the human at the bar.

"None taken. We're a weird ass species anyway, but he's right. It's not an uncommon thing for humans to develop crushes and relationships from friendship. Honestly, it's how most of them start, and how the better ones last say 50 or 60 years."

"Really, now..." Garrus mumbled.

"Absolutely," Bailey confirmed, "The more you know about them, how they act or work or think, the closer you are and the better off you are together. You know her probably better than anyone else in the galaxy save for say, that quarian she kept close, and Kaidan."

"Tali... her name's Tali." Garrus corrected. He remembered how annoyed she got when she was just called 'that quarian', or any use of just generalizing her.

"Tali, then. Don't worry about hurting her, Vakarian," Chellick said, patting his shoulder as Garrus sat up, adjusting his seat, "If anything, it may help her more than you think."

Garrus chuckled a little stronger, grabbing for Chellick's drink regardless of his argument, throwing it back before standing up. Chellick gave a smile, mandibles fluttering for a moment. Bailey chuckled as he raised his glass to his lips.

"Go get her, Garrus!"

"Shut up, Chellick," Garrus threw over his shoulder teasingly.

* * *

 

"She's dreaming, or remembering. Rapid eye movement, some abnormal beta waves. Nothing too serious, or concerning, for Shepard at this point." Chakwas read off, adjusting the Commander's IV drip.

Miranda hummed, looking to Shepard's face as she rested. She had been progressing smoothly toward waking up, and Miranda could finally relax from the fear of something rejecting. Shepard slumbered on in her coma, eyes moving under her eyelids, whatever she was witnessing helping her mind realize that all was safe. They, of course, couldn't confirm that she wouldn't have memories of the hallucinations, but this fix should stop them from happening. Small movements, the increase in dreaming, they were all good signs.

"Is it still possible for her to wake up on her own?" Miranda asked. Chakwas looked to her.

"Absolutely. We may have induced it ourselves, but it's plausible to think she could wake up on her own."

"Mm..."

"Don't worry too much, Miranda," Chakwas continued, moving to her and placing a hand on her shoulder, "The worst has passed for her. She'll be on her feet in no time."

"It's still haunting... I would have caused her death this time if..."

"Miranda."

The ravenette chuckled for a moment. "It's funny. I hadn't thought I'd care so much. She was simply supposed to be solve the Collector problem, and get it done quickly. It's terrifying how I almost felt everything give away when she was carried into the med-bay bleeding in his arms. I really thought I was the cause of it then. I made a mistake that would have ruined everything, for everyone."

Chakwas smiled then, patting Miranda's shoulder once again. "Welcome to the crew of the Normandy, Miranda. I think you finally figured it out."

As Chakwas left, leaving Miranda in the silence of beeping machines and Shepard's breathing, she smiled. It made sense now. Standing up, she looked to Shepard once more before leaving, looking to her right as Garrus walked in.

"Any improvement?" he asked, pausing next to her.

"Well, she's moving her fingers in her sleep. Chakwas said she's starting to dream, so she's close to waking up now."

The relief in his subtle subharmonics made her smile bigger. He had witnessed her pain, the hallucinations at their worst. It also was evident the Commander meant a lot more to him then she did to her.

"She's all yours for the night, Garrus. Take care of her."

Miranda left with those words, drawing a surprised sound from his throat as she left the room. Just over the past week, she had changed greatly. A knowing smile made his mandibles flutter. She had been taken in by Commander Shepard just as the rest of them had before. The door opened for him with a silent hiss, revealing a similar scene from the last time had had been in here. Commander Shepard bedbound, IV connected to her wrist, and the sounds of her monitors making sure she was safe. They had peeled back her blanket to reveal her temporary hospital clothes, a shirt with long sleeves ending at the start of her rib cage.

"You're looking better, Shepard."

He came to her side, as always, and pulled up a chair, watching her chest rise and fall slowly, looking to the slight twitches of her face. He looked to her hands, watching her pointer finger twitch, moving as if she were pulling the trigger of her pistol. His hand hovered above it before letting it wrap around her hand, holding it tight. He came to look to her face once again.

"I met up with Bailey and Chellick today. Both were assholes, as usual. Not really surprised by that, honestly. Though I have to admit, they... helped me figure a few things out."

He let silence settle for a moment, smiling at her as her heart monitor kept making noise, silently tracking her heart. He gently squeezed her hand once. No answer would come, and still he kept talking, as if to keep her updated on the daily comings and goings of the crew.

"Jack and Kasumi almost got in trouble today with C-Sec, which is honestly not surprising. Those two together are almost as bad as you being with either of them. Grunt bought you to something, and I honestly can't tell if it's a gun or something horrible wrong. Either way, we're getting ready to make you feel like a princess and shower you in gifts you probably won't need."

He could see it now: the crew coming up one by one, bestowing upon their captain their gifts. Alcohol, weapons, mods, small trinkets, and whatever else they could find. She probably wouldn't be amused in the slightest, but how could she deny them? He knew Grunt had something, and Kasumi was going to try to do something. Jack, he assumed, was just going to help her in biotic terms since they were both wild biotic users. It was going to be an unpredictable storm once Shepard was awake and back on her feet, he knew that. She had just started the team, and they were already coming close around her.

Her fingers moved in his hand, drawing his eyes as they moved and flexed, as if they were stretching. He loosened his grip. He watched her fingers move and stretch slowly, and let his eyes trail up to her face.

Her eyelashes (that's what they were called right?) fluttered, as if her eyes would dare open. He stood as he leaned in to watch, her mouth curling into a grimace.

"Shepard...?"

Her eyes opened into cracks, whining softly as the light hit her eyes. Her breath made her chest rise quicker, trying to get used to the brightness. He reached over to the wall and let the lights dim somewhat more. Her eyes opened more, raising her IV-bound hand to her eyes before realizing the weight on her wrist. She looked to it curiously, confused for a moment.

"W-Where..."

"Shepard."

She dropped her hand to her chest, looking over to Garrus as he returned to her side. She blinked rapidly, trying to filter through the empty space in her memory. She remembered being on the Normandy, and Garrus was behind her, holding her. She had seen Saren in front of her, trying to grab her and pull her away and destroy her. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to calm the headache ripping through her skull before opening them to Garrus once again looking down at her with worry.

"Where am I?"

"Huerta Memorial, on the Citadel."

She looked back to her IV attached to her wrist. That would explain that and the plain shirt she was wearing.

"Why? I thought I only blacked out after the... hallucination."

Garrus' mandibles fluttered gently, twice in succession. He was nervous. "It was more than that."

"How worse?" Worry sunk into her words. Garrus looked away for a moment, before reaching out for one of her hands. She let him take it, feeling the quiet quakes in the muscles.

"You had a hemorrhagic stroke, Shepard."

Bleeding into the brain and skull. The damage done to her brain had almost killed her. Her worry sunk into confusion, and from confusion to disbelief. Her hands moved to touch her head, immediately finding the scars that would have saved her life. She closed her eyes, and set her hands back down.

"I almost died on you again, on everyone."

"Shepard..."

She took a deep breath, opening her eyes again to watch him. His eyes spoke of sorrow, of the struggle he had to bear as she lay in a hospital bed comatose. He had been there when it happened, and bore witness of her second near death to date. She remembered his hand on hers, the rough but gentle feeling of his talons against her skin. She gave a weak smile that collapsed as quickly as it started.

"Thank you for saving me, Garrus." she whispered.

"It wasn't just me, you know," Garrus explained, walking up and just gently brushing his hand against one of hers, "Without Chakwas, and Joker, and Miranda... well let's just say you wouldn't probably remember me. They were worried that you would have some damage after that."

"Is part of my face sagging?"

"What?"

Shepard reached up to her face, pressing her fingers into her cheeks. "Sometimes when people have seizures, parts of their face sag like it's full of water."

"You're okay, Shepard. No sagging or damage, it seems."

That confused look returned to her face. "I would have thought... how long was I out, Garrus?"

That scared look returned to his face, and she immediately felt worse for making him look like that. Again, the bitter voice within reminded her, you made her worry and suffer for you again.

"You've been in a coma for a little over a week now. Miranda and Chakwas wanted to let you heal."

He looked to his hands, letting the information settle. When she had started having that last hallucination, she suffered a stroke that started to bleed into her brain, and blacked out as a result. She had been rushed to the Citadel for treatment with Garrus, Chakwas, and the crew, and for a week had been comatose to let her heal, and to no doubt keep an eye on her in case anything else happened. She reached out for his hand, and oddly enough Garrus met her hand halfway, holding it carefully between his talons.

"Miranda and Chakwas working together... who knew I just needed to get hurt again to make them play nice."

Garrus shrugged, taking a seat next to her. "Well it wasn't some small feat that made them work together. They put their heads together for you. You got some shiny new cybernetics in your brain now thanks to them."

"Does that mean my head is going to glow in the dark now, Garrus?"

He gave a laugh, happy to see she was making jokes, lighthearted despite knowing she had almost left them again. She smiled, squeezing his fingers a little. His laughter died, pausing to watch her fingers move and wiggle once again. She caught his eyes, smoky grey reflected in emotional turquoise.

"I'll let you know if you glow, Shepard." he finally answered, her smile growing.

"Am I glowing now? It's rather dark in here."

He stood with the words, "Let me check", and moved to hover over her head, just gently moving her chin so he could look for the telltale sign of her orange cybernetics glowing. She knew the ones in her face, not entirely yet healed, still glowed.

"Your hair seems to hide it, if it is glowing through your thick skull."

"Was that an insult, Vakarian?" she teased, drawing another soft laugh from him.

"Not at all, even if I loathe how you put yourself in danger all the time. Think about me: I have to race after you on your six when you decide to charge like a krogan."

It was Shepard's turn to laugh. "Yes, but with you on my six, it allows me continue charging because you're absolutely amazing at using that sniper rifle of yours."

"Just waking up from a week long nap, and you're flattering me. Are you flirting with me, Commander?"

Her face admittedly couldn't stop from blushing lightly, squeezing his hand to draw her eyes anywhere but his. It didn't work out completely, so she submitted to it.

"And what if I am?"

_"The more you know about them, how they act or work or think, the closer you are and the better off you are together. You know her probably better than anyone else in the galaxy save for say, that quarian she kept close, and Kaidan."_

Bailey's words came back to haunt him kindly, and he couldn't think of how he somehow owed him for giving him advice on how to hit on Commander Shepard, of all people. His neck gently turned blue around his cowl, as his squeezed her hand back.

"I don't think I would mind it at all. It's rather nice."

Her smile grew cocky. "Worried no krogan girls will see your scars and say 'take me now'?"

"Not really," he countered, his voice matching her smile, "While you were healing, I did some research of my own."

"Oh?"

"I didn't think scars were attractive to human woman, and I was proven wrong."

Her smile oddly wavered before it solidified. "Don't tell me you went out with another girl, Garrus. I was only out for a week."

He laughed this time, sensing that jealous spark before she would ever admit it. He knew her best, and just wanted to see the wheels turn in her head at that one. He moved his fingers so they were intertwined, as close as they could with eight fingers between the two of them.

"I didn't go cheating, I promise. Besides, there's no point in looking when I have what I need here."

Shepard hadn't expected that kind of response, her face lighting up just a little brighter as she took in what he had said. Garrus lagged behind, and finally realized how that came out, blue flush covering his neck as he hid his mouth and mandibles. He couldn't stop his subharmonics, however, and she could hear clear the embarrassment and fluster. She looked down to their intertwined hands, and to the blue rising up his neck. He was blushing, or at least she hoped he was. She could hear her heart monitor tick off her heartbeats just a little faster.

"That did not come out correct, or it did and-," Garrus stopped himself, "Well then..."

"You're still holding my hand." Her voice hadn't meant to be heard, but he caught it anyway, looking to their intertwined digits.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that, Shepard."

He didn't immediately move his hand out of hers, content in looking at it for a moment before coughing into his hand and taking it back. Shepard looked at him, still red in her cheeks, with concern and just a small pinch of disappointment.

"You know... it isn't bad to say that, Garrus."

He couldn't exactly meet her warm eyes, still letting loose the song of embarrassment under his voice. "I assumed that you were... w-well I didn't exactly mean to-"

"Garrus."

Her voice drew his to a stop. She was firm but gentle, a calming cry around the sudden storm around him. He had messed everything up in one sentence, or so it seemed. Her smile made the room dim, nothing but the curl of her lips shining in the dark.

"It's alright, you nervous bird. It's honestly really amazing to hear that from you. I can understand the embarrassment, though."

"How could you-?"

The bright smile she had turned cocky once again. "Unlike everyone else in the galaxy, I've learned to read your subharmonics. That and I was taught by a few turians in N-school, so I learned quickly to hear them and interpret them."

That brought him to attention, his hand coming to his throat.

"And to think I was worried about you being different after your seizure..." he whispered, trying to drown the fluster inside him with humor.

"Even if there was, I'd still call you a space bird and make fun of your face."

It worked, thank goodness. He let his mandibles open and close, a turian smile. "I thought you'd love the scars. A lot of other human woman like them."

"They sometimes worry me, but I can't deny that they look good on you."

"You're lying to me."

"Never in a million years, Garrus."

* * *

 

Miranda and Chakwas hadn't expected to walk in the next morning to Shepard talking silently to Garrus as passed in and out of sleep, having slept weirdly while leaning against her hospital bed. The door signaled their arrival, and their eyes were glued to them. Shepard smiled and didn't even need to beckon them before Garrus moved out of the way and let Chakwas and Miranda to her side. The good doctor hugged her Commander tight, whispering that she was relieved to know Shepard was alright. She looked to Miranda, and wondered what she would do, and was surprised when the once chilled ice queen hugged her as well.

"I'm glad I didn't kill you, Shepard."

She chuckled, patting Miranda's back. "I'm pretty sure it was my fault."

"It... It wasn't. There was a part of your brain that hadn't healed correctly and... It was stupid mistake to leave a wound like that on you and I'm sorry for risking your life."

"Miranda..." her voice spoke her surprise for her, smiling after a moment before taking hold of one of her shoulders, "I accept your apology. I should have come forward earlier with my hallucination problem and we could have figured this out before it got so bad."

"We both made grave mistakes, but I'm glad you forgive me," Miranda explained, smiling back, "I assume Garrus told you about the fix we did?"

"He said it could possibly glow if my hair was out of the way."

She looked to the turian, confused and bewildered.

Garrus nodded. "I checked last night. Pretty sure if you move all of her hair away, her scalp would glow where you put those cybernetics."

"It's in her brain, Garrus." Miranda said plainly, "How could it glow through her skull?"

Shepard made a pose with one arm as Chakwas worked on her IV and other arm with a smile.

"I am Shepard, and I glow in the dark thanks to cool cybernetics in my head!"

Miranda looked between the smug turian and her smiling Commander and let out a puff of air, a small little laugh.

"I think I definitely figured it out, Chakwas." she murmured.

Everyone beamed at each other, Miranda's cold shield breaking as they moved around Shepard, making sure she was well and comfortable, joking here and there, pausing for a good laugh and a tender moment. It was as if they weren't in Shepard's hospital room, surrounded by the sound of her monitor sounding off her heart. It was the Normandy mess hall, coffee in hand as they joked and played around at the table, enjoying a silent morning together.

Miranda took a moment to herself at the far end of the room as Shepard, Chakwas, and Garrus spoke of the past events of the week. She had been initially confused by Chakwas' words, of being welcomed to the crew and understanding it all now. Looking to these three laughing friends, knowing now she could join without drawing a bad look, made her happy. She had a clearer conscious about her actions, knowing that she wasn't going to burn for messing up.

"I'm happy to be part of the crew, Shepard."


End file.
